The three of us live together, my husband and I. Did you live together? ZHMZh, Swedish family

I always believed that relationships are created and maintained by two, but still, many relationships with men include a third participant. In the best scenario, she simply does not wish you secretly harm. For example, since student times: after parties, we go together to another passion, his mother comes out and begins to adore me, because she sees a very drunk son and me, clear, collected, helping the young man not to fall. How could she know that we drank equally, it's just that my metabolism is better, it's just that I have a lack of loss and self-control when drunk - one of the main virtues.

And so it went: mothers loved me, their sons loved me, I loved that they loved me - in a word, a world full of love. One mother tried to hand me a banana or an apple every time she met. Either I seemed to her too skinny, or, as usual with the generation of mothers, “to love is to feed.” Mine is like that too, so I rent an apartment on the other side of the city. Another gave me the first expensive perfume in my life - Chanel 31 Rue Cambon - with a recommendation to use it every day. At first, the smell just scared me, it looks like an insecticide, besides, when applied, he tried to “suffocate” me, as happens with perfumes. And now I'm thinking: maybe she didn't really love me?

The older I got, the further moms moved out of my life. Boys grow up, mothers step aside. Or rather, they should: once on a dating site, my mother wrote to me looking for a bride for her son. I quite vigorously denied such an honor, my mother replied “Yes, you really are not suitable for us” and blocked me so that I would not persecute this noble family.

Why am I: my mother happened to me.
First, there was a call from an unknown number, of course, I passionately answered “Hello” in the hope that it was employers who brought me millions.

Natasha, is that you? asked a stern voice.
- Yes, - puzzled, - it's me.
- My name is Maria Andreevna, I'm Anton's mother. You dated for a while, around 2008. Remember Anton?
Of course, I remember Anton. Anton and I experienced two months of amazing discoveries: it turned out that a man can sleep for 12 hours every day and not even leave the house for cigarettes. I was unpleasantly surprised. Anton is also very handsome. So we, in fact, held out for two months.
- I remember Anton.
- You know, - the unknown Maria Andreevna said confidentially into the telephone receiver, - Anton is somehow very moping. And since then he has not had a serious relationship. We are strangers, but Anton always spoke very well of you, spoke, unforgettable. I'm very embarrassed, but I took his phone and found you in contacts. I'm worried about him. Are you married now? Busy?
- Not...
"Perhaps you should try again?" He is very serious, he wants to get married.

I, as Carrie Bradshaw writes, thought: maybe I missed something in my life and we returned to the period of arranged marriages? But then she would have called my mother, and not me, and they would have collectively asked me to marry. Our mothers freak out as we rush about, date, travel, and destroy the institution of marriage. Maybe mom knows something that I don't? After all, the most stupid sons have very clear, businesslike mothers.

Forced to refuse, Maria Andreevna. It seems to me that the former does not return.
“Interesting principle,” she said. But perhaps not without common sense.

She said goodbye and hung up the phone. Anton remained a bachelor. I am in surprise.
But to the former, and, indeed, to return is a disastrous thing.
And if they have such a mother, then the three of them will probably have to live.

.

Christine: Hello Olga!
Thank you so much for your trust service. I always read with interest your answers - so subtle, close to me. And now I decided to write, because I want to know your view on the situation in which I got. I'm just going crazy!

The fact is that the three of us live together, although I dreamed of an ordinary family. It all started 3 years ago, when I was struck by talented works (I am an art critic), it turned out that their author, Valery, is older than me, although he looks like a peer: yoga, martial arts. Bright appearance. Witty and very deep can talk about everything from computers to ancient religions. In general, he conquered me immediately, however, his charm is usually felt by everyone. Friendships began when together - not in a cafe, but at archaeological excavations, etc.

He soon admitted that he was now on his third divorce. According to him, the wives are smart, beautiful, but for some reason they leave for the sake of others. Now "the women in his life are over." In addition, his relatives openly declared that I was "gray" for him. So I didn't expect anything. I just wanted to distract him, because. after the departure of his wife, he seriously tried to end his life. Insomnia, depression, very homesick. At his request, we spent more and more time together.

After 2 months, Valery became my first man. Suddenly, he "came to life" - he said that he was proud of our closeness, because I "gave my virginity." From that day on, he prepared for me surprises, entertainment, candlelit evenings and baths full of roses. In general, the romance you dream about. Every day is like an adventure: designing a website together, writing a book, learning Japanese, flying in a helicopter, swimming under the moonlight, etc. Every night is like an erotic film. All this, fortunately, continues to this day.

On his advice, I changed my appearance and became more stylish. Friends say that I blossomed with him. He wanted more and more intimacy, which even scared me. Every day he called, wrote, told about everything that happened without me, even took it with him to parties where everyone came without women, at work he listened only to my criticism. It was embarrassing that he told all the dreams, even erotic ones, about other women, details about former loved ones. He himself was jealous even of his friends, employees, of everyone.

Outwardly independent, Valery was responsible with me. We moved in six months later. Then I began to hope that we are a couple, and not just friends. We often talked about his students, especially our favorite, Lena, who was in love with Valery. He, laughing, read her notes, poems. A talented girl copied him both in work and in life. Before our eyes, she grew into a tall, curvy, athletic blonde, outwardly similar to all Valery's wives (I am a small, flat brunette).

Once I returned from a business trip, and from the threshold he began to ask me to forgive, because. was close to Lena. Allegedly by chance: after a student-teacher party in his house, she asked to spend the night, began to declare her love, they were drunk ... He repented that he had hurt me, he was ashamed. But from that day on, all the talk was only about Lena. Like, he is a scoundrel, and she is a victim. He was the first man in her life.

Lenin's parents found out about their relationship, made her a scandal. He was tormented that he left her in trouble, even for the first time he took to drink. I could not stand it, and I myself asked to call Lena, to support. But new meetings led to new intimacy. And he told me all this. But now he convinced me that Lena was a genius, a beauty, a noble person.

Without scenes (remembering that we promised to be friends) I moved to my apartment. I said that I would arrange my life, and they would be a good couple. But he just went crazy: he came to me, to work, called, even cried, sent flowers and letters with requests to return. He said that he would not forgive himself for this, he did not want to be a scoundrel. What worries about how I can live alone (I have no relatives). That he's in love with both of us. With Lena spoke only about me. And vice versa. I started seeing him again. So "the three of us" - for almost a year. Lena convinces me that she is not a rival, she simply cannot live without him, Valery is her idol. Everything suits her. But she's 18 - her life is ahead of her. And I will soon be 27. Outwardly, we do not quarrel with her, we help each other at work and at home, we have many common ideas. But inside, it's a huge stress for me. Constant comparison with a young, beautiful girl.

If Valery had treated me cooler, I would have left: but, as before, calls, care, frankness, gifts, sex - everything is wonderful. I am not jealous with them, but at home I often cry: there is no family, no future, I live alone. I can't even change him. And I don't want to. And he is still terribly jealous. And Lena too. It seems that it is climbing out of the skin so as not to lose us. You know, he had a difficult childhood: his mother constantly left him in an orphanage, then in a hospital, then to distant relatives, she treated him very indifferently. He lacked affection so much, constant fear that she would leave him forever.

Maybe that's why he won't let Lena and me go? He is afraid to lose women - whether he is needed or not ... Is it possible to love two at all? Or to me - a habit and pity that I'm lonely? Or an exaggerated responsibility for us? He says, wait - Lena will outgrow her love and leave me. So I'm an "alternate airfield"? Her parents (but not her) demand that Valery marry her. And he began to ask me to give birth.

Maybe it will bind him? Or, on the contrary, while I walk around pregnant and tortured, will he go to Lena? And what's in store for the baby? What if she gets pregnant (her dream)? Valery and Lena see the only way out - to live, sleep, raise children together as a family. It scares me. Yes, and it seems that we will start to quarrel. But it's better than loneliness... Or "compete" with Lena, push her out of Valery's life? Or leave? But it will hurt both him and me. I'm completely confused. Help, please, from the outside, maybe something is clear ...

Olga-WWWoman: Hello Christine! I know the bohemian environment quite well and I can say that such things are quite common in this environment. But just as definitely I can say that you should not create family relationships with such a man. You just can't stand it and leave anyway.

But your specialty and professional environment are also not conducive to family life, as far as I know female art critics - everyone is lonely ... It would be worth giving birth in any case, even if there is no husband, but without relatives this is a big problem, as I understand it.

If I were in your place, I would not give birth to Valery - your son or daughter by inheritance may have the same problems with family life as his father.

You won't go anywhere yet - you love him too much, he keeps you close by himself too tightly. He is greedy for life, for new sensations. He is sometimes romantic and wears it in his arms, and then he forgets about the existence of a woman. Everything is based on impulse, mood, expression. Familiar. How familiar is this...

Sooner or later, you will get tired ... but now, while he asks not to leave him - condescend, communicate, but I think sharing sex with another woman is somehow destructive, or something, despite all the bohemianism and blurring of the moral standards of his circle. .. Where can you put jealousy? Plus she's younger and his favorite type...

I do not think that he loves her, but as a man he is flattered by her love. Both you and she are compensation (how, two virgins gave him themselves) for his defeats with his wives, compensation for a difficult childhood and "dislike", for humiliation from previous women.

If you can’t see him - meet as a friend, but sleep with him - I don’t know, I don’t know ... After all, Lena, she is probably so calm because she doesn’t consider you a serious rival, but what she says is still necessary divide by 20...

As a woman, you must respect yourself and fight to be the ONLY one for him. I think it's worth a try. The most natural condition would be: either marry her, or tear. No other is given. His egoism must be curbed, because the current situation is extremely convenient for him, but he does not think about you, let them, they say, figure it out among themselves. And you, each in your soul, hope that someone will not stand it and leave. You can wait for years, it's better to immediately put all the dots on i. - let him, a man, decide, not small - whom he loves and with whom he stays.

Only I am afraid that he does not love anyone but himself, talented and beautiful - he only amuses his pride and needs excessive affection, attention and love. He respects and loves only himself, unique, and his desires. His God is Desire. Decide whether you will fight for him or not. But since from the very beginning he limited your relationship to "friendship", then there are very, very few hopes for more.

All his words and deeds are just conscientiousness and unwillingness to look like a complete bastard and selfish in your eyes (so it seems to me). A woman for him is a Goddess, and his outbursts have little to do with you personally. He is preoccupied with selfishness. Such men love themselves in the process of love (let's hope I'm wrong). All of them consider themselves geniuses and need worship and great love, most often unrequited. In their hearts, they respect few people, initially considering others as a "crowd". But they know how to love women, only they are not able to love one, for them each is the embodiment of all the women of the world. And only having met one in which he will find the embodiment of many of the brightest women for him, he can stop and fall in love seriously.

Christine: Thank you very much for your letter! What a clever girl you are, Olga, it immediately became easier on my soul! I tried to convey the facts without judgment, but you saw everything as if you knew him, said what I had been thinking about for a long time. And that he doesn’t even know me or Lena as people. And that a woman for him is an abstract goddess who can be idolized, feared and hated at the same time. And that he doesn't love us both. Yes, and in general is not capable of this feeling.

It would seem, what am I waiting for, if so? Where is the pride - to meet a man who does not love and sleeps with another? This is what I often say to myself. :) But I think it's not about attachment, I could break up with Valery. The reason is complex ... or just nonsense ...

In general, I looked through my first letter to you: indeed, everything began with his work - even before we met. It's not easy for me to get into anything. After all, as an art critic, I am already a terrible nitpick and critic. :) I meet various unrecognized geniuses in droves. And I don't even like it. But Valery's paintings are, well, true, talented. For me, this is something very valuable. Probably, just a complex of each person with my specialty - to discover talent.

But, oddly enough, I don’t even want to amuse ambition: I don’t believe that Valery will “unwind”, and for some reason I don’t give a damn whether one person will appreciate him or a million. The best part is that he doesn't care either. But when you come across something amazing... and when you see how such a painting is born right before your eyes... and in general grows out of all this life... When, on the verge of your knowledge, you puzzle over how, for example, to solve a compositionally conceived theme. Not trite. And suddenly a person easily gives out this! Where there is a wall for you, for him it is a "green door". In general, his painting is something more than me, and Lena, and himself - put together.

Of course, he is not the only one. How many tales are circulating in the same bohemian circles about real phenomena - those who have drunk themselves, hanged themselves, ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Why, it's not even a pity for them - the possibilities are ruined. And now you look forward to what else he can "do" from a person, because he does everything so easily - work, since God has given you such opportunities! And then he gets poisoned because of his runaway wife, then he drinks because of an 18-year-old girl ... It's clear why.

A very smart and adult Valery leads the brush. And he acts - a boy who has not grown up. A five-year-old frightened kid among strangers, about whom his own mother forgot. Unnecessary, lonely, abandoned. Too familiar from my own childhood. I want to make up for the dislike. And all the time you are waiting for "podlyanki", looking for evidence of love. You can lie to a woman that you have cancer and follow the reaction. Or right after her friend's funeral, ask for intimacy. Who, they say, is dearer to her: me or the deceased? Cruel, selfish, of course. A normal woman after such "tricks" can leave ...

Only this is not from narcissism - from the inability to love oneself without nourishment from outside. Valery is terribly cruel to himself. Imagine, an adult can seriously starve himself, because today he did not deserve dinner at his place! Someone has to justify it to himself ... And it is better to spend energy on creativity than on licking wounds.

Here I am - like I got rid of the childish thirst for affection. Not by myself - I got wonderful friends. Warmed up - had the strength to grow up. But Valery was not caught ... And neither bohemian beauties nor prosperous girls will understand his "oddities". Although their love greatly increases self-esteem. And then thanks. I alone could not give him too much affection. And Lena somehow even "unloaded" me. The only such "hungry" person is trying to make both a mother, and a friend, and a mistress, etc. Also sometimes she takes revenge for the fact that she is a hostile creature - a woman. Against the background of touching games of romance.

More than once I tried to become just a friend to Valeria, but denial of sex for him is the same as rejection. Again unwanted! And marriage is a form of violence, something disgusting. So he won't marry anyone. Therefore, I will either decide to leave, or I will fight for his work, that is, for his bright mood.

Now Valery, despite his hectic personal life, works from morning to night. It just shines. I don’t know if this is love on my part, if when he once got bored in the middle of “prosperity”, I myself arranged for him the opportunity to go on a very risky trip. Extreme sport. Adrenaline did its job: inspiration returned again.

But a woman in love with him would probably only think that he would risk his life - and dissuade him. I am ready to bring him and the harem myself, if only I don’t waste time on “passion-muzzle”. Just a simple "falling in love" will not solve anything by itself. But he understands his children's complexes, tries to grow up, changes.

I believe that the main thing is for him to understand everything himself, as long as the world is not seen as so hostile and as long as it is obvious that women spoil him, he deserves love. And if he can fall in love with someone in a mature way, I will be the first to congratulate them and disappear.

It would be nice for Valery, probably, to go to a psychotherapist. But for him it is a shame, worse than death. I hope I'm not trying to realize myself at his expense. I have my own business and successes. But co-creation with him, Valery's works - for me something like a matter of life ... just look at them - doubts disappear. That's only when I'm tortured, tired - the professional in me sleeps, and the woman begins to cry over her seemingly unsettled woman's share. But, to be honest, neither the family nor the child really shines for me. So why not try to create conditions for a good person to create a good painting? If he evokes a sea of ​​tenderness in me, and without his love, there is still enough strength (subject to a conscientious attitude towards me and care), why not give it to someone in need? Once again, thank you so much and sorry for the confusion.
Best regards, Kristin

Olga-WWWoman: Every artist probably dreams of such a woman. He needs you while he needs you, nothing humiliating but your<не расставании>no. Moreover, you put higher your mission to support talent. Your role in everyday and moral terms is unenviable, but who knows... a person does not live by life alone... if you see your path next to him as with an outstanding talent, then there is no disharmony... Your goal is not a family, but Service. I understand it...

He was lucky, he met a woman who is on a different level of consciousness than most women, a woman who sees her destiny ... I could not share my husband with someone else, even for the sake of a great creative goal ...

Apparently, I am more down to earth, or maybe I have not experienced the ecstasy of worship in my life ... I understand everything that you compromise, suffer in your soul, make sacrifices for the sake of this child genius and step on your feminine pride.

You can both sympathize and envy. Envy that your life is spent in creativity - both in your own and next to the creativity of a richly gifted person. I understand that THIS is how much is forgiven, and while it is being forgiven, goodbye. There will come a moment - sorry. I wish you to live in peace with yourself, and I think you will not be bored ...

Christine: THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!! TRUST SERVICE
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Until quite recently, we were an ordinary family. There were three of us: me, my husband and a baby daughter. My husband and I worked at different times: he was busy until 10 pm, and was already free at five, sometimes even at three. Plus, he often had to leave for short-term business trips. Apparently, this situation created some dissatisfaction, a lack of attention and minor domestic inconveniences.

At work, I came across a young guy, he was our friend. Pleasant, courteous, athletic. He is somewhat younger than me and my husband. We often talked as we left work. And somehow it dawned on me that he likes me. He offered to go with me to kindergarten for a child. I was not bored, he accompanied me to the house, so his presence was very convenient. Then I was still studying in absentia at the institute and he began to help me with my studies.

Once we went to him to do a coursework, fooled around, and then I stumbled - high heels did not forgive such an outburst: I sprained my leg very painfully. I hobbled with his help. Sat down on the sofa. He immediately rushed to the refrigerator, picked a bag of ice, applied it and carefully sat down next to me, wiping my joint with a wet towel. He gently touched my leg. Suddenly I feel him begin to raise his hands from the ankles and up. We begin to kiss, and then the desire blows us away and everything is done. Then I suffered: meetings, walks.

I come home one day, and my husband has already returned from work and took his daughter from the garden. He sits, is silent, stares for a long time. He says: "Do you think with your head when you do something? I'm riding in a trolley bus and I see how you squeeze yourself in the park. And this is where all our friends go."

I'm understandably shocked. The thought flashes that now I will be beaten. But he, sighing, says: "You will either go to his house or to us. There is nothing to be weird in front of everyone." I still wanted to calm him down, asked him not to worry. Spring, they say, everything will pass. However, time passed, and feelings only flared up. I even began to think, but will my new man be able to accept his daughter as his own? In general, it became difficult. And then the husband once said: "Bring yours on Friday." I thought about it and decided that I needed to somehow understand the situation, and here it seems to be a reason.

On Friday, she came early, took the baby, cooked food. My young man came, brought champagne. While the men were talking, I put the baby to bed. I come, and they are already sitting, it seems they have talked - the conversation seems to have been neutral. We drank champagne together, watched TV, then my husband went out somewhere. And I relaxed and a glass of sparkling wine calmed me down. My hooked, ran his hand over his shoulders. I started hugging him, and then I watched my husband come in, stand and look at me, but I couldn’t stop and didn’t let go of my embrace. A moment later, I realized that I was already being hugged from both sides.

... In the morning I lie between two men and I can’t understand: what now? And the men, as if nothing had happened, drink tea, discuss something. And I'm quiet as a mouse, only I go for a walk with a child. Then my friend began to sometimes stay with us for the night.

After a while, he invited our entire family to his father's birthday party. We arrived. She and her mother kept asking about our affairs at work, what plans for life in general, they accepted our girl as their granddaughter. So we rested. The matter was approaching the night, a taxi was called and our whole family went home. She put her daughter to bed and went to bed. And the next morning I woke up again from the embrace of four hands.

A few days later, I notice that unfamiliar things appeared in the closet, and my husband put everything from two shelves into one. In the evening he and my boyfriend returned. And then it immediately cleared up in my head what kind of conversations were conducted at the anniversary. Those were the shows! We were looked at and approved. So I have a second man in the house.

Then we moved to another city. Everything is already together. It turned out that both men got along easily. I got pregnant, our son was born and it was clear that the genes of the youngest won. Then fate gave us a daughter - the eldest husband peeps through in a pretty face.

Here is such a story. I don’t know if it could have been somehow different, but everything suits me: someone always travels with me on trips, and I have normal hands at home. What will happen next - I do not guess. That's how we live.