The crisis of 25 years in girls. midlife crisis in women

Can life become normal if a person has made a lot of mistakes in the beginning? I entered the wrong institute, now I’m working in the wrong place, I didn’t make real friends either. I know very well that it's my own fault. Just at a certain point there was no money to study where I wanted to. I already have a plan to build a new life: I'm going to move to another city, work and enter, finally, study where I wanted to at first, then become a specialist in the desired field. Only one thought gnaws at me: I'm already 25, I don't have a boyfriend, there is no hope for a personal life. I don’t want to mess with anyone, I’m already tired. And I can’t find my own, the only one, apparently because now I’m not doing my own thing and I’m not living my own life. I'm afraid that youth will go away, and all normal people will be already busy, and I will all rush about in search of myself. Are my fears correct, and what can you advise?

Ellie, Novosibirsk, 25 years old / 09.02.07

Opinions of our experts

• Alyona

  Lord, what is 25 years? No, of course, when you are 17, it seems that these are quite adults. I also thought so when I was a freshman and got to know my classmates, finding out their age. Among them were those who were 10 years older than me. So what? Disaccustomed, began to work. Everyone did what he was interested in. And life developed personal, and they were able to find a decent job, and managed to get rich, and give birth to children. There would be a desire and a will for that. And the fact that personal life does not add up at 25, well, it means that fate gives you time to correct the mistakes you are talking about. My girlfriend couldn't find a mate either. I also didn’t want to meet with just anyone (which is absolutely right), but there was still no real person around. So what? She is 34 and very soon she will give birth to twins from her beloved man, with whom she has been living for several years. Late? And who said that 34 is old age, when it's too late to change your life? So don't fill your head with nonsense. "Late" is only when death occurs. While you live - act, make mistakes, correct mistakes. That's what life is for, to live. Live not in the past, but in the present and future.

• Sergei

  It seems to me that you should think less about the eternal and live more for today. You are not already 25 years old, but only 25 years old. It's time to live life to the fullest. Young, active, going to study, well, great. And the fact that there is no boyfriend yet is just not scary. Everything will come in due time. You are going to radically change a life that did not suit you, and you know how to do it. Fabulous. Personally, I have always admired such people. I think that everything will be fine with you. So stop overthinking nonsense. Youth is a very loose concept, and if you are satisfied with yourself and life, youth will last for a very long time. In general, good luck to you and wisdom.

In our early twenties, most of us begin adult life: education is completed, a job appears, a family of our own, our first children. But if 50 years ago 65% of 30-year-old men and 77% of women of this age considered themselves adults, now only 31% and 46%. Most admit that they are disappointed, experience indecision, fear, feel bored and confused.

“The crisis of entry into adulthood”, “early transitional age” - this is how psychologists define this difficult time. But it is more commonly referred to as the "quarter-life crisis." The term was coined by two 25-year-old Americans, New Yorker columnist Alexandra Robbins and web designer Abby Wilner, authors of the book Quarter Life Crisis: The Unique Life Tests of the Over 20s.

The topic turned out to be relevant for millions of yesterday's graduates not only in the USA, but also in France, Italy, Germany: the book became an international bestseller. In Russia, the same topic is of no less keen interest to those over twenty, as well as developmental psychologists, to whom people of this age are increasingly turning for advice.

"Quiet" crisis

The experiences of 25-year-olds have long remained in the shadow of more "loud" critical periods - crises of adolescence and middle age. Perhaps because they are not so visible to others. But, like any crisis, this one affects the most significant aspects of life and hurts.

It took 27-year-old Oleg several years to find a unique key to adulthood: “It was not easy for me to realize that the advice of my father and the care of my mother would not make me happy. I myself must be responsible for what happens to me, for my disappointments, successes and failures.

Oleg tried to adapt to the lifestyle that his relatives imposed on him.

The path to understanding this turned out to be long and left a lot of scars in my soul. Oleg tried to adapt to the lifestyle that his relatives imposed: after graduating from medical school, he came to work in a family company.

“During the day I sat out my pants in my father's office and was frankly bored,” he recalls. “My real life began in the evening, when my friends and I went to the club, listened to music, discussed new discs.” After a year and a half of the “double life”, Alexander left “from his father” to a large recording company. "The music industry doesn't look that great from the inside," he says, "but I feel much more comfortable here."

8 Signs of a "Quarter Life Crisis"

If you are familiar with at least half of these situations, then the “quarter-life crisis” has not bypassed you.

1. You graduated from a prestigious university, but you continue to get by with temporary part-time jobs, consoling yourself with the fact that “I have a diploma, and thank God!”
2. You are bored at work. You are bored without work.
3. You miss your friend. You miss him.
4. For the first time you say to yourself: "I'm not young anymore."
5. You are used to changing partners often, but for the first time you are thinking: is it time to decide?
6. You are a young woman, the question of children arises. You are a young man, you have your first gray hair.
7. You have many temporary jobs - interesting or necessary only for money. You ask yourself if it's time to focus on one area.
8. Your younger brother or best friend got married, got a permanent job, took out a mortgage, had kids. You feel like you've been passed over.

26-year-old Lika is also acutely aware of the contrast between her own expectations and reality: “I was always sure that by the age of 25 I would live on Nevsky Prospekt, I would have a smart and successful boyfriend and my own TV program,” she admits. - Now I work in the news on a cable TV channel, and most of the salary is eaten up by renting a “odnushka” in a residential area in which I live alone. It seems to me that youth is passing, but I can not achieve anything.

“Reality came as a shock to me”

Ilya, 27 years old, assistant notary

“I didn’t like school: my life was poisoned by the very need to go there, to obey idiotic rules. But I knew: everything will end, I will go free and finally begin to live the way I want. After becoming a lawyer, I hoped to quickly make a career. But everything turned out wrong. The work was a shock for me: I again feel like a schoolboy who is just learning the basics of adult life. I'm learning from scratch again, building relationships, earning a reputation. It looks like it will take a long time for my efforts to bear any fruit.”

Build an image of yourself

The feelings of Oleg and Lika are strong and sincere. “But many of those who belong to a more mature age, including parents of 20-year-olds, are critical and even ironic in assessing the situation,” says psychologist Sergei Stepanov. - The experiences of young adults seem to them the whims of spoiled children.

For a generation of parents, having a decently paid job, a modest but gradually growing wealth, serve as evidence that life is a success. After all, many in their youth were deprived of this.

Young souls seethe with internal conflicts. “And the deepest of them is connected with the first assembly of oneself, with the search for one's identity, which comes into conflict with reality, with what society offers young people,” explains age psychologist Yuri Frolov. - When adolescence ends, it is important for everyone to feel independent from their parents, but at the same time they want to feel the warmth and support of their relatives.

20-year-olds acutely feel the contradiction between the need for intimacy and the fear of losing themselves, dissolving in a partner. As a result, an idealized perception of childhood and adolescence arises, nostalgia for them and regret about the opportunities missed at that “golden time”.

This is not about a turning point or a radical upheaval of the foundations, but only about an awakening - even if it is disturbing or bitter.

There are experiences, but they are not tragic, says psychotherapist Stefan Klerzhe. “This is not about a turning point or a radical upheaval of the foundations, but only about an awakening - even if disturbing or bitter. And, as with any awakening, someone is tormented by the blues or a hangover in the morning, and someone gets turned on half a turn and immediately begins to make plans for the day.

By the age of 30, we revise our perception of ourselves, taking into account new knowledge about reality, separate it from our own and parental fantasies, and move on to a new life stage. This is a period of rethinking yourself and developing new life priorities - a serious turn that needs to be made. As with any turn, first you slow down, hesitate, and then start moving with renewed vigor.

"It's hard for me to choose"

“After graduation, I worked as an accountant in a large company. Salary, prospects - but I hated this job and at some point I could not stand it, quit. While I'm at home, I write songs. After all, I dreamed about it - to live music! But what is there to live on? Mom keeps telling me to take care of my mind. But what should I choose: go to work or continue to sing? It's the same in my personal life - my boyfriend and I have been dating for eight years, but I can't decide to start living together.

Separation from parents

Many opportunities are open to young people: you can work in a bank or play rock and roll, get married or flutter from romance to romance. However, the moment inevitably comes when you have to make a choice, which means you have to give up all options except one. And in this case, you will have to rely only on your own desires - the symbolic landmarks that mother and father used to serve no longer have their former meaning.

“I understand that so far there are many roads in front of me,” says Lika, “but you need to choose one! Then it will be difficult to replay, if possible at all.

According to psychoanalyst Tatyana Alavidze, part of the fear of choice is explained by the behavior of parents. Many of them are not ready to be left alone with themselves and in every possible way delay separation.

“Directly or indirectly, they actually continue to interfere in the lives of their children, dictating where they should work or with whom to spend time,” says Tatiana Alavidze. - This is facilitated by their financial participation in the lives of children. And as a result, they artificially delay the maturation of a son or daughter.”

“It is important to distinguish between psycho-emotional and material independence,” Stefan Klerge clarifies. - Quite often, a graduate or a young specialist continues to depend on his parents in everyday life, while maintaining internal immunity and independence in making key decisions. There is no direct connection here."

"I envy those who are younger than me"

Farid, 29, civil servant

“I just broke up with my girlfriend and went back to my parents. There is no economy, shopping, obligations and other "adult life"! Friends get married, have kids, and I don't feel like it at all. I envy those who are now 18-20 years old. It was a great time for me - so free ... I only feel calm in the company of older people - their company reminds me that I am still young.

Wisdom of life

In Chinese, the word "crisis" consists of two hieroglyphs - "danger" and "opportunity": this is how the ancients' confidence came to us that in every problem situation there is not only the destruction of the old, but also the creation of the new.

“There is no need to be afraid of the age crisis, it contains the culture of development and the wisdom of life,” Yuri Frolov is sure. “It is important to learn to listen to your crisis, to study it, because it is it that makes us seek contact with ourselves, allows us to gain psychological integrity, begin to perceive ourselves realistically and, as a result, resolve many internal conflicts with a positive way out of it.”

"I'm afraid it will be too late"

Elena, 25 years old, PR manager

“Everything is fine with me: in general, I’m satisfied with the job, my parents helped me buy a car, a small apartment - from my grandmother. But I live in anxiety. Until now, life has been planned for several years ahead: to finish college, move out from parents, find a job. And suddenly all stages are over. What's next? I understand that there are many opportunities: you can quit your job, hitchhike across Europe, learn to skydive, enter the philosophical one. Basically, everything is possible. But I don’t know what I want, but a few more years and it will be too late.”

"I've been there and I'm back!"

"Quarter Life Crisis" helps you understand that it's time to solve your own problems," says Alexandra Robbins, author of the world bestseller "Coping with the Crisis of a Quarter Life: Advice from Those Who Have Been There and Returned."

“The 25-year-old has been very helpful to me. I think I can avoid a midlife crisis, because by the age of 30 I was able to deal with the main issues of my own identity. Unlike our parents and grandparents, we have the opportunity to unravel our true desires before we get married or start a career.

I believe that young people experience this time painfully because they consider themselves alone in their feelings and explain them by personal characteristics. This is mistake. They do not talk about it with peers who experience the same emotions, nor with those who are over thirty. And finally, many believe that "you can't change anything." But it's never too late to start over!

To go down a road that does not suit you, just because one day it occurred to you to step on it, is much more difficult than to get off it and choose another one - the one that will lead you, albeit not immediately, to where you really want get in."

How to understand, or you have reached the crisis of the 25th anniversary, or you just have a bad mood. If until recently the depressive moods of 25-year-olds were called a whim, now everyone has come to terms with the existence of another age-related crisis. During this period, young people, instead of feeling optimistic that all doors are open to them, become discouraged and suffer from hopelessness. A crisis of self-determination, indecision and fear of what choice to make - that's what a crisis of 25 years is.

6 signs that you have reached the crisis of 25 years

Growing up is hard

It is impossible to believe that when we were teenagers, we dreamed of growing up. God... what were we even thinking?

At that time, success had its own formula. Go to university, be attentive, take notes, complete assignments, make a couple of friends and you are in chocolate. Like this. We knew what success was and knew how to get close to it. Plug in and work.

And then we graduated from university.

What for? Why did we do it?

And the formula is gone... There is no longer a teacher standing behind our back and not checking, or we are doing everything right with bills and debts. And parents do not remind us that “do not expect anything good after midnight”, although deep down we ourselves know this. And our friends are not waiting for us in the corridor to chat on the way - they are in another city, just trying to build their new life. We are adults. And we have to invent the formula for success ourselves. Succeed yourself. Or pretend until it actually happens.

And we learn as we go, how to cook, pay our bills, get up early every morning, be responsible, executive, how to stay afloat, save money and maintain healthy relationships with people. We feel inadequate, abandoned, and confused. It's called the 25-year-old crisis - and it's very real.

So how do you know if this is the same splinter? Of course, you can always take the test. Well, or read our description.

you hate sunday

Brr, Sunday is a horror story. It's the itchy, nervous, tense feeling of an impending Monday. Monday is bad. He's always bad. Monday means you have to go to work you hate. Well, or stay at home, thinking about your plans while your friends go to work. It's such a stark reminder that real life is calling you and you're desperately trying to ignore it. In short, no matter what Monday brings, you don't love it one bit.

In general, hatred of Sunday is caused not only by the fact that you have to wake up early the next day. Sure, it's disgusting, don't get me wrong, but that's not the real reason. If we hate Sunday, it is because we are constantly thinking about how the next 5 working days will turn out. Weekends are great! We are distracted from the “charms” of adult life: nerves, fear, excitement, etc. But Sunday reminds us that our responsibilities await us. The crisis of 25-year-olds is a total feeling of dissatisfaction with one's life and a complete lack of understanding of how to change it. And "Judgment" Monday is the explanation.

If you have another reason to hate Sunday, then you need to get to the bottom of the truth. If you hate your job, look for new opportunities. If you are tired of the routine, take on new projects. Take the time to focus on finding the real reasons for not liking Sunday - you will be one step closer to curing the Sunday horror story.

Knowing the future won't be easy

Where do you see yourself next week? How about a month and a half later? And after six months? In two years? Can you be more precise? Go deeper into the description of what you see for yourself in the future: in work, in relationships, in life's vicissitudes, in your plans.

Sometimes, it's unrealistically difficult. Especially when you do not know where to go and what to choose.

People are designed in such a way that they need to move forward. We need to know that we are moving somewhere. And it doesn’t matter if you like to plan or not - it’s easier for all of us to live when we at least approximately guess what awaits us in the future. That's why we save money, wear sunscreen, eat (or try) right. We like to think ahead and guess what will make us happier in the end. So if we feel like we're stuck, it can really spoil our mood. And not weakly reflected in the crisis of 25-year-olds.

Tip: Take the time to seriously think about what you would like to do in the future. There are no bad ideas, only opportunities. Write a list. Now try to highlight some pattern. Can you group multiple items into one category? Fine! Now see where the list is the longest.

So...what's the point? The more your dreams merge together, the more likely a plan of action is drawn. The largest category is your answer to the question of what to do.

You feel like time is against you

Everyone in life has that terrible moment when it seems to them that they have reached the age at which everything should have been decided long ago.

Really scary.

Suddenly, time becomes a problem. Before that, it seemed to just drag on. We wanted to race at speed, decide something, walk, drink. And in stock we still had enough time for experiments.

And then ... Bam! .. you are 25. Then 28. Then 32. Then 35.

The number hits you suddenly and passes quickly. And just as suddenly, the fear of aging comes crashing down on you with renewed vigor. You feel like time is running out. And then panic sets in.

Breathe. You may be behind on your schedule, but you have a couple of summers to sort things out. You are young and strong. Don't let the 25-year-old crisis take your lunch.

Just remember that all these years have not been in vain - they have become the basis for building your future. So the more lessons you learn, the calmer you look ahead.

In your judgments appears "I should ..."

Here's a trick for you: when we are on the verge of growing up, we begin to be afraid. When we are afraid, “should be” appears.
I need to get a boyfriend by now.
I should have had more money by now.
I should have reached a higher status by now.
I should be happier.

It's even cruel, really. We still have that plan that we created at 16 in our head, and it doesn’t let go even by 26. Where is our story? And where is the money, love, recognition that we promised ourselves by this moment?

To be honest, our expectations of 10 years ago cannot even be called realistic. And what is even more likely, we never had any specific goals for the realization of these expectations. BUT, we do a lot of self-flagellation because of this. And it's a nightmare.

This constant battle with yourself will only continue and gain momentum. It is difficult to live with sky-high dreams and expectations, so do not heat the fire from the inside. It's time to let go of "should have" and start accepting things as they really are.

A minute of exercise!

Right now, let's take up pencils and list everything that we are proud of in life. Everything. Small, big, stupid, amazing, whatever. And now let's see.

Wow! So you have achieved much more than you thought. Really. Now it seems to you that you have achieved absolutely nothing, but there is something on this list. So keep your nose up guys, everything will be fine!

A person goes through many periods in his life, which differ from each other in the tasks that he must perform. In early childhood, he learns the world, in adolescence he learns to perceive himself as a person, to communicate with the opposite sex, in his youth he acquires professional knowledge and skills, enters into family relationships, in old age he rethinks the path he has traveled.

And such periods most often end with turning points, which in psychology are usually called "crises". One of these has recently been singled out as a crisis of 25 years or "a quarter of a life" (meaning the conditional duration of a person's life as 100 years).

What is unusual is that such a phenomenon was revealed not thanks to the research of psychologists, but because of the spread of common signs of a crisis among young people - depression, lack of desire to do something, a feeling of hopelessness. The age of the crisis, of course, is conditional - it may occur earlier, it may later, or it may go unnoticed by a person. But if such a period has overtaken, then it is worth understanding its causes and ways to overcome it.

Researcher O. Robinson from the University of Greenwich defines a crisis as an experience of several phases:

1. Feeling hopeless, driven into a dead corner, joyless existence, unrealized in work or relationships (or in both areas).

2. Gradual realization that everything can be changed. A person begins to look for opportunities to apply his skills, tries to find his own way.

3. Period of qualitative changes. A person begins to isolate what is necessary in life and get rid of "ballasts" - that which pulls back or upsets.

4.Creating new habits, reinforcing a new way of doing things.

There are several reasons for the crisis of 25 years:

1. Success = wealth. Mass information cultivates such a stereotype in the mind of a young person - the higher the material wealth of a person, the more successful he is in life, the higher his significance and value. Such an equation can lead to complexes in those people who could not achieve great material success by the age of 30-35.

2. Pressure of parents and infantilism of young people. These are interrelated processes. On the one hand, parents know what is best and try to guide their child on their usual path, on the other hand, they continue to financially support the young man. The latter, in turn, simply loses the need to look for work and develop in this area.

3. Comparison of achievements. Here again, the information space plays an important role. Boys and girls can see on the Internet how the other lives - what material benefits he has, how successful he is in relationships, what kind of vacation he can afford, how he eats, and so on. Subconsciously or consciously, the process of comparing oneself with this person begins, cultivating an inferiority complex, self-doubt in case one's achievements are inferior.

4. Inconsistency between reality and expectations. Many young people make plans for themselves about their future life - girls usually dream of starting a family before the age of 25, having their first child before 30, guys - about success in their careers, that the chosen profession will bring both pleasure and big money. Is it worth talking about the state of a person when reality turns out to be different? When work actually turns out to be a boring, unpromising routine, and all classmates get married, except for this very girl.

As you can see, a young man who graduated from a university often finds himself at a crossroads - what to do next? And the question “who to be” with a diploma in hand does not seem so strange anymore. After all, the period of existence of the USSR, when the future life was understandable - distribution to a place of work after training, has long passed.

Today's realities often make a person think again about which path to choose. This is where the crisis begins. Someone can abruptly change jobs or end a long relationship, someone, tormented in the soul and tormenting himself with thoughts of his own worthlessness, someone rushes into everything at once in order to quickly “find himself”.

Whatever the experience of this difficult period, it is worth reminding yourself that the way out of it is always positive and brings something new into life.

And to experience it less painfully, you can follow the following recommendations:

1. Forget about what a person "should" at this age - what to have, what to be, what to strive for. Each person is unique, and, thanks to this, his destiny is also unique.

2. Pause and try to understand how you want to live. Perhaps it is worth changing the field of activity, taking care of appearance, remembering what pleased you in the past, and doing it. The main thing is to exhale and try to really look around.

3. Talk about yourself. Closing in on yourself is the worst option in this situation. This problem is not unique, it can be discussed with peers. There are people who have already experienced this, which you can talk about with those who are over 30 and get advice or support.

4. Do not go to extremes. It is worth minimizing communication with unpleasant people in order to avoid quarrels, try not to spend money on rash purchases and so on.

5. Everything is gradual. It is worth taking a realistic look at life and stop demanding everything from yourself at once. Here it is important to delve into the solution of any one problem, or plan your actions in order to move towards the goal in gradual but sure steps.

Perhaps most important for this stage is the constant reminder to yourself that the crisis cannot last forever. It ends and brings changes - those that were needed initially. Patience and optimism can help you get through this period of uncertainty.

We are all familiar with the concept of "midlife crisis" from literature and films, although it is usually applied relatively to men. But age-related crises also happen to women, just until recently this problem was not so acute. And in the modern world, ladies have to fight for a place in the sun along with the stronger sex, hence frequent stress and other problems.

Causes of the crisis of 25 years in women

At first glance, it may seem that the crisis of 25 years for women is a far-fetched phenomenon, what problems can this age have? In fact, this period is a turning point in the fate of every girl. By the age of 25, education should already be completed, a more or less permanent job should be obtained, and personal life should be arranged. At least that's what public opinion tells us. But in reality, not everyone manages to achieve this ideal, someone relies on a career, forgetting about the instincts of creating a family. Others get married in the last years of the institute, remaining by this age with excellent experience in motherhood, but with a complete lack of professional skills and half-forgotten knowledge. That is, the cause of age-related crises in women is the disorder of any aspect of life and the lack of knowledge of where to move on.

Resolution of the age crisis in women

In particularly difficult situations, of course, you should resort to the help of a specialist, but in most cases it is possible to sort out the situation on your own. Try to create a comfortable environment for yourself without distractions and reflect on what is bothering you.

Do you think that your career can be put an end to because of the presence of a small child? Think about whether success in the professional field is really so important to you, or is it enough for you to fulfill yourself as a mother, spending your free time on needlework, which, with high quality, can bring even a small income. If you don't really want to sit at home and learn the art of housekeeping, think about what you want to do. And answer this question, not based on education or previous work experience, do not be afraid to radically change the field of activity. It's never too late to try something new, especially at your age.

Another factor that generates women's age crises are doubts about their personal lives. career cannot replace the absence of a family, in any case, in the eyes of public opinion at this age it is already time to acquire a husband and at least one pretty little one. It is not easy to resist the pressure of loved ones and withstand the condemning whispers behind your back. But you need to understand that those who care about you will definitely support you, and paying attention to the opinions of others is simply stupid.

Often, the crisis of 25 years for women is resolved under the influence of the environment, which does not always offer the right choice. As a result, after a while, the state of crisis returns, continuing until the girl herself understands what she wants from life.