What to do if you are unhappy in marriage. An unhappy marriage is deadly

The decision to divorce is a very serious moment in the life of any person. Many are simply afraid to break off relationships, even if they do not bring them much joy and do not make them happy. And this is not the best solution! After all, an unhappy marriage can have long-term negative consequences for a person’s mental and emotional health. A number of studies indicate that people in such relationships often have low self-esteem, suffer from anxiety and depression, and are also more likely to get sick. Moreover, after a divorce, in most cases, they are emotionally restored and acquire new partners. We offer to consider 17 signs indicating that you are unhappy in marriage.

You don't have sex anymore

One of the most serious signs of an unhappy marriage is the almost complete lack of intimacy between spouses. The presence of a real problem in the relationship may also be indicated by the fact that the partners no longer have the desire to hug, kiss, or simply hold each other's hands.

You have nothing to say to each other

You are next to each other, but not together

You and your spouse can be in the same room, but not feel that there is a loved one next to you. So, one of you can do something on the computer, and the second, for example, watch TV or read. At the same time, there is no connection between you and you are quite comfortable doing something alone.

you ignore your intuition

People often do not pay attention to their inner voice. Although intuition often unmistakably indicates that our relationship is not working. After all, the inner voice sounds quiet, and it seems to us that these are just our fantasies or fears, not supported by any real facts. However, if you begin to have such thoughts, then do not ignore them, but try to ask yourself more specific questions and answer them honestly. So, ask yourself if you feel safe in a relationship, if you are getting the respect your spouse deserves, if you have the opportunity to express yourself, if you feel happy, etc.

You are overly concerned with the needs and concerns of others

Many women stay in relationships longer than they should because they tend to put the needs of others ahead of their own. Often they do not even notice it, believing that they are solving their own problems. To build a happy relationship, psychologists recommend that the fairer sex stop being distracted by meeting the needs of other people, focusing on themselves.

You are getting further and further apart.

One way to tell the difference between a routine family life where spouses are absorbed in daily worries and do not pay enough attention to each other, from a loveless marriage is to ask yourself how long this situation has been going on and whether it is getting worse over time. Most couples go through difficult periods. However, psychologists say that if the difficulties continue for more than two years without any signs of relief, then it makes sense not to delay and seek professional help until the partners have passed the point of no return.

You fantasize about life without your spouse

If you often imagine a happy future without your partner, then something is clearly wrong in your relationship! After all, such thoughts are part of the process of developing emotional detachment, during which you may try to convince yourself that you don’t care and won’t worry too much when it’s time to break up. In this case, psychologists advise taking one more step and making sure that the fantasy really has weight. So, start, for example, looking through ads for apartments for rent, where you could move after a divorce, and analyze your feelings. If at the same time you feel pleasant excitement or even relief, then there are indeed serious problems in your marriage that it makes sense to start working on immediately.

you stopped fighting

This sign is one of the most alarming, indicating a lack of emotionality towards each other. At the same time, according to psychologists, partners may still experience love, but their feelings can be “buried” under the ashes of past quarrels and grievances.

You have one or more behaviors that destroy relationships

Often we ourselves do not realize that we are doing everything in order to destroy our marriage. So, psychologists identify four behaviors that have an extremely negative effect on relationships. First of all, they include endless criticism of a partner, even on trifles. The next item is constant self-defense, refusing to accept responsibility for what happened or attacking a partner in response to his comments. This behavior destroys trust between spouses. Negatively affects marriage and the contemptuous attitude of one partner to another. Perhaps you really are superior to him in some way, but constantly pointing it out, you only humiliate and offend your spouse. Psychologists single out deceit and emotional closeness as the last point. Such behavior only widens the gap between people. If you have marked one or even several of these models, then it makes sense without delay to think about how you can correct the situation.

It seems to you that you are not heard, or you do not listen yourself

This situation is probably familiar to many. So, you are trying to discuss things that are important to you with your partner, but you do not see any response. The opposite situation is also possible, when you do not take the words of your spouse seriously. As a result, this can lead to the fact that one of the partners will feel misunderstood and underestimated.

You are on the verge of emotional betrayal

If your spouse does not suit you in some way, then you can get carried away by another man. Thanks to modern technology, this can be done without real betrayal by flirting with someone, for example, online. However, according to psychologists, if your relationship already has a lot of problems, then even such an innocent prank can only aggravate the situation.

The opinion of your friends is more important to you than the opinion of your partner.

When something happens in your life, you discuss it not with your spouse, but with other people. This indicates that you are not particularly interested in the opinion of your partner. In happy marriages, spouses discuss news primarily with each other.

You don't want to spend time together

Undoubtedly, each of the spouses needs personal space. However, if you spend more and more time apart, not striving to be with your partner after work, on weekends, at a party, etc., then things are clearly not going smoothly in your relationship.

Dating is a thing of the past

Of course, with the passage of time, romance in a relationship begins to fade somewhat. However, you should be alerted by the fact that you cannot remember the last time you had a chance, for example, to have dinner together at your favorite restaurant. Perhaps things aren't so bad and it's just a matter of taking the time to go to the movies or to a picnic together to breathe some romance into the relationship.

You are no longer a priority for each other

If the spouses have ceased to realize the importance of each other's feelings, thoughts and desires, then their marriage is in jeopardy.

You feel like you're being controlled

This is actually a fairly common scenario. So, for example, if one of the spouses controls the family's finances and forbids the other to spend money on certain things, it can infringe on his dignity and provoke the development of feelings of inferiority and underestimation.

One of the partners does not want to work on the relationship

Psychologists say that if you wish, you can solve most of the problems that arise in marriage. So, it is not uncommon for spouses to stay together even after infidelity. However, if one of the partners is categorically unwilling to contribute in any way to solving the problem and seek professional help, then this may indicate that he is simply not interested in this.

Dear, dear members of the community! This is not the first time I have addressed you and another community in connection with problems with my husband. You help me a lot. Every piece of advice. Unfortunately, no one from real life helped me like you. Thanks! My last post was about everyday problems, my busy schedule and the lack of help from my husband. The problem has not yet been resolved, but, after thinking it over, I realized that my main problem in relations with my husband is that I do not feel happy. And even if he suddenly starts helping me, it won’t make me very happy (It’s about our lifestyle and the “failure” of my “dreams”) In short: before marriage, I considered myself a homebody - I won’t break into a party in the middle of the night, I won’t decide suddenly tomorrow to fly to St. Petersburg and similar spontaneity is not characteristic of me. But I like to plan something interesting, go somewhere, if I go on vacation in the summer I plan to see more, take a walk, get impressions not only from the beach with the sea. I have mini and maxi dreams. Maxi - indefinite - a happy family, children, travel, work for the benefit of society, self-realization. Mini-dreams: it's about them. And the fact is that I have some clichés: when we met my husband, when we started to try to live together and plan a family (then, by the way, everything was not so bad - they got out “in people”, though not enough), I imagined how he will make me an offer: well, as usual - a romantic setting, "beloved / dear, etc." In fact: the day off, I'm in bed, he's in bed at the computer gives out "we need to get married, right?" I say yes, the dream is dead. and in 2 weeks we are playing a wedding in a small provincial town, where we went to meet his parents, and they organized everything for us there. On the day of the wedding, my husband never smiled at me and I did not hear words of love. Worried. Well, okay (to play a wedding in Moscow, as I also wanted, albeit a modest one, he dissuaded me like there was not enough money, the point was to gather everyone to feed and drink, and everything was already there: a white dress, etc.. He convinced me. But anyway, the dream died. In our In everyday life, he never does anything out of the ordinary: he doesn’t give gifts and flowers, of course, but going to the cinema on a weekday is something unreal for him "what kind of movie? Today is Tuesday. I'm tired. Let's go on the weekend." On weekends, we rather we won’t go all the way either, he will get tired again or won’t want to. Moreover, he works as a foreman - supervises, at home it’s stable at 6-7. True, he gets tired behind the wheel (mechanics), sometimes travels a lot, studies on Saturday, but finishes early. Moreover, when there was a lot of free time in the summer, we spent most of the hot sunny days sitting at home. I never went swimming. right now I work, study every day + Saturday all day + home and still full of energy for leisure. Cinema - this is perhaps the only thing he can still do for me) they gave free tickets to the theater - he does not want to. I say: “Well, for my sake, please (and I already asked about the theater 5 times before)”, he says “I don’t like the live acting of actors.” Explain to me why I would go with him to an exhibition of building materials if he would asked me a lot?) I’m glad to do something nice for him: his hands get cold - I buy gloves, my legs - socks, some kind of sore - I google “sore” - I read reviews, I buy ointment, gray complexion - I give him vitamins. I love him and I like taking care of him. And I want to be taken care of. I grew up without a father, I received maternal tenderness, but when I needed concrete, male support from my father, care, I was left with nothing. Unfulfilled desires. On the contrary, he grew up without a mother and apparently needs affection, tenderness, and he himself is insanely gentle, hugs me all the time, kisses me - this is how he shows his love. And for me, tenderness is not the main thing. I need actions - and I told him and I say all the time. When I want something, I calmly say: “darling, go to the theater with me, please” or “let's go to the cinema, please.” And I don’t ask every weekend, at least once a month to get out normally - take a walk, spend a busy evening - and then I will “satisfy” the rest of my need with my girlfriends). We only go to visit my mother, he also has relatives here in Moscow, and they invite us to visit, like introduce him to his wife, he doesn’t want to, he says he’s not in the mood to go there. Although before me (more precisely, before the wedding), he often went there to eat), but how seriously it began with us and he doesn’t go himself and doesn’t want to introduce me to anyone. In general, I miss the romance. I reluctantly return home from work, I am no longer so pleased with his hugs, I sometimes lose the desire for intimacy, although we are all ok with this. I'm terribly bored. It's my birthday soon. I foresee the most boring birthday) I dream - that he will gather a few friends and - surprise - I understand that this is already a pipe dream, because he is not particularly familiar with my friends. At least it's just a surprise. Yesterday he asked me what I want for others, I say - “I don’t know, I want a good tablet, but it’s expensive, incl. Do not know". He says "take the money from the envelope (the envelope where we save for the future type of business) and buy whatever you want." This situation upset me a little. Firstly, there are mine and his money, equally somewhere, if only his money was there, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt me at all) and again because of this “unromantic” situation. in my family, birthdays have always been celebrated very nicely, with a gift in the morning, with friends in the evening - noisy, fun. There seems to be nothing here. Boring again

You see, I love him very much (sometimes I just don’t understand why), because it is in relation to me that he does practically nothing, only sometimes he takes me from the university at my request (well, 3 times a month) but: he is really a good person. He will not do meanness - for sure, he is reliable, he will not change, he does not smoke or drink, in principle, everything is ok with humor, i.e. we laugh) you can talk sometimes) Nonono is pure patriarchy, the wife should totoipt. no spontaneity, no romance. It got to the point that the other day she cried (almost immediately after his refusal to go to the theater) and when he asks: “what happened and what is wrong?” Nothing happens in our life and everything goes wrong. That's pretty much how I answered. Not the way I dream. I don’t know, but it seems to me that I don’t ask for much - to diversify our lifestyle a little, to help me a little - and I will be the happiest girl) because the main thing - love - is present. And because of the absence of this “little” I feel very unhappy, I am constantly in a bad mood, every free minute I think about parting with him and how well I will live - I will go somewhere for the weekend (I won’t let me go alone or with a girlfriend right now), I will celebrate my friend noisily, I will plan a vacation for the winter, I will start studying normally, I will stop eating myself in these unhappy relationships. What's stopping me from ending a relationship? Firstly, love, and secondly, honestly, I think that I still will not meet better than him. I know a lot of couples - and where one is good, the other is bad - where an interesting life, fun - many have problems with alcohol, somewhere - cheating, I liked one martyr before, we were friends with him for a long time and by the way planned a family, if in For 30 years, none of us will meet anyone). It’s a lot of fun with him, and stable at the same time, but I know him so well that I see that he’s capable of trickery, what he can change, although it will come later, that he’s non-obsessive ... and so about many (in short ... of all men and the guys - "angry", whom I know - my "least", as it seems to me. But it feels like I'm unlikely to be happy with him. What he says: "I'm on my toes all the time. All the time I think how to get up on my feet, I can’t relax, so I’m tired. There is no free money, so we can’t walk normally. We have to get up, then we will live more interestingly. I myself want to go somewhere, see the world, but right now there are no opportunities, etc. "there is some truth in his words Yes, of course, but I don't invite him to California or Vietnam, I don't demand tickets for the first row at the Bolshoi, I don't wait for him with a hundred roses on his birthday in the morning - all my requests are mini, like my dreams, which used to breaking

Please, express your opinion. Maybe marriage is characterized by such problems? Maybe I'm not so bad? Or would you run away? Your experience? your advice.

Sometimes, by the way, it seems to me that everything is fine with us, in principle, I think it doesn’t happen ideally. Usually I think so when I hear what kind of goat others have, for example. And everything seems bad to me after his next refusal or after I see a post on LJ of some beautiful couple who is traveling somewhere) I always thought that marriage should be broken if: drinks / beats / cheats / does not want to work, and then it can be fixed. And I'm wildly bored, I'll win soon (

Not unhappy, just unhappy. Everything seems to be fine: we have been living together for a long time, our son is growing (9 years old), but I feel bad. My husband, of course, for so many years has become a dear person to me, but it is painful for me to live with him. I would like to give birth to a second one, but how to decide to give birth, if there is only one dregs, and we have not had sex for a long time. Leave .... and the son? A son needs a father. Moreover, the son devotes a lot of time to her husband and they seem to be fine together, although the husband’s character is difficult. I'm suffering. After all, no one will give me a second life. And I'm no longer 30, and not even 35. Or "live not for joy, but for conscience"?

I am writing here because the main issue is the son. I would decide only for myself, I would have decided long ago.

I must add that I live in constant annoyance. I am not satisfied with my husband’s philosophy of life and his attitude to everyday life, and this irritation poisons my life and, which is absolutely terrible and unacceptable for me, pours out on my son (rarely, but this “rarely” is enough for me (
What to do - I won’t put my mind (

Really only for the son? Will he appreciate it later? And you, you yourself, will not subsequently be annoyed with him because you have not lived your life? In fact, they live for joy.
Yes, I wouldn't live like that. Because when I get annoyed, it becomes very unsweet for our son - I can’t hide the irritation, and in the end it spills out on everyone. Thank God that it is not connected with the husband, and happens occasionally once a month for reasons beyond the control of others.

The son will not appreciate, but I do not expect this. It would be more correct to formulate it this way: my maternal instinct suggests that a son with a father is better than without him, and I suffer to save or not save a family (more precisely, while I’m only whining about this topic) for the sake of my responsibility for my son, that is, not FOR THE SON, so that he later paid for my sacrifices for me, but for himself, as for a human being, who puts the maternal principle above the feminine.

I’m already so annoyed that I’m not living the life I want, but not for my son, but for myself. Maybe I'm not a wise wife who can't find an approach to her husband and keep peace and happiness in the family. You know, from the inside, the situation looks completely different from the outside.

You wouldn't live like this. So I weigh what my son needs more: a complete family or a mother who has satisfied her ambitions (because I will be happy after getting rid of my husband or not, no one, including myself, knows yet) and dad who comes on weekends.

I think you definitely need a second birth! children and save your marriage. my husband and I often talk about this topic and came to the conclusion that children greatly strengthen family relationships, and when there are many children, it’s even better

We have not slept for 6-7 years. And before that, too, not everything was smooth. Although, the husband agrees to artificial insemination, we discussed this. But .... I'm afraid))) with my approach to living together, I risk attaching myself to this person for another 18 years))))) And I'm also sure that a happy woman gives birth to a happy child, to which I am now hardly similar)

Maybe then you will try first of all to answer the question for yourself whether you will be happy without this husband? You yourself are happy, as an individual separate from your son.
It is impossible to put the maternal principle above the feminine ... more precisely, the human in general. Unhappy parents don't have happy children. A mother who puts the interests of the child at the highest level of her life will bring this child a lot of grief, unfortunately, since she will not be able to let her child go into adulthood at the right time, she will cling to the child, because he is the expression and essence of her whole life

You see, I have NEVER lived alone, I just have nothing to compare with, except for examples of unmarried girlfriends. I just don't know if I'll be happy without "this husband". I can only assume that it will be much calmer for me, although it will be more difficult in everyday life - my husband does a lot with his son and takes him to school and even though he doesn’t help around the house, he does heavy carry-bring-move upon request. Only once, after a visit to a psychologist, my husband lived separately in the summer, but he constantly “invaded my territory”: either he needed to wash something, then he needed to take things, and I spent the lion’s share of this time at the dacha with my son and parents, so a full-fledged "vacation" did not work out, and in such a short time you will not have time to understand what it is like to live without a husband, you only have time to breathe, and remove his scattered socks)))))

I also think that happy parents are more useful for a child, but what is better: satisfying my ambitions (and my husband claims that these are my ambitions and whether with him or without him, I will not become happy until I change myself) lonely and, not the fact that happy, mom and dad who comes on weekends or mother and father who respect each other, even if they survived the time of falling in love, but, nevertheless, people close to each other.

And how can a mother not put the interests of the child so highly? Let's start with the fact that we all risk our lives to give birth to him))))) Yes, I want to give my child the maximum of what I can, so that he is healthy, happy, successful. But he does not owe me for this and should not. His gratitude, of course, is the highest reward, and I would very much like him, after many years, to remember my upbringing with gratitude and be proud of me as a mother. But I believe that filial or child debts are something that does not require repayment to parents, but goes into debt to their own children)))) And I already have to let him go and respect his adulthood, because he is ALREADY an adult))) ) the path is not yet in everything. My task is to make him value my opinion and seek advice in the future, and for this coercion does not work, you can only make the “product itself” attractive)))))))))

Although, of course, my life, my own, is not enough: the work has long ceased to be a career, the passport has not been 20 for a long time, there are no common interests with my husband, and I don’t always want to wander alone through exhibitions or go to the suburbs. The interests of the son are slightly different, he gravitates towards youth culture, which is natural. Here I am.

My version is more like “pearl is chalk” than “shchi is empty”, and I myself often feel like I’m mad with fat, wanting a pie in the sky, an ambitious, but not a wise woman who doesn’t know how to keep happiness in the family (and this feeling is a husband cultivated.Like, look, everyone lives like that). And this reinforces in me the fear of being left with nothing. Hmm ... something turned out to be quite tearful)))) We have to go shake ourselves up a bit)))

But you are about 40 And what you are now tormenting may well be a midlife crisis. You overestimate the past and understand that there is no satisfaction either from family life, or from work, or from your own personality. Does not look like it? Oh, how familiar to me - IT is now in my full swing. If it looks like - think in this direction. There are many options to change your life, bring joy and fulfillment to it. You just need to delve into yourself and look for what will still bring this very joy. Yes, it is possible with a psychologist, only with a quality one ... otherwise there are so many of them divorced, all sorts ... just awful
I was alerted "and my husband claims that these are precisely my ambitions and whether with him or without him, I will not become happy until I change myself." I agree that you yourself need to change - in the sense that you still try to realize your needs. But the tone of this opinion somehow .. annoys me or something ... somehow condescendingly ... maybe you just wrote it like that, in your own words. And the absence of an intimate life for 6 or 7 years, of course, is not good. Still, for life harmony it is better if it is present. So it seems to me, yes.
I share your attitude towards the child. I am only afraid of the danger of crossing that fine line that separates "I would like him to value my opinion in the future ..." and "I am obliged to value my opinion and listen to me." I am the child whose life my mother lived. I am that unfortunate person who does not have the right to his own opinion even at almost 40. I perfectly understand that my mother does (and did) not to spite me, she was and remains in full confidence that she is doing everything for my happiness. But do I need such happiness? - that is the question
In order to defend this right of mine - to be myself, to live my life - I had to literally divorce my mother. Only in this way - practically without communicating, and causing her serious suffering, I got the luxury of being myself. And it's very hard to choose between your happiness, your life and your mother's health and happiness, believe me. Here it is - about good intentions
In general, let's delve into ourselves further. It's easier for me with my family and work, honestly. But still stomps seriously from time to time

Yes, of course, very similar) More precisely, it is. And there are reasons for this. The momentum gained in youth paid off, and then they were sacrificed to the family hearth, which, in fact, turned out to be smoky and uncomfortable either for cooking or for heating housing))) And now, when it's time to sum up the intermediate results, it surfaced and dissatisfaction took shape, for which I am inclined to blame not only myself, but also the person with whom my hopes were connected. Not because the person is bad and not because he is guilty, but because we do not hear and do not understand each other. Because his expressed opinion cuts me to the root with all my aspirations, even if unintentionally (After talking with him (not that in a raised tone, just his voice is loud and sharp), if I came to consult or ask his opinion, too I often feel like a fool who has no idea about logic, unable to see patterns, etc., I get lost and, with my tail between my legs, retreat.

Thank you for your support and understanding) I am aware of my needs, but, what is strange, their implementation rests on dependence on others. For example, I prefer to go to a theater or a restaurant with a gentleman, it makes me feel more comfortable. I went alone, and for a long time, and with my girlfriends, but I got tired, it’s not a man to start for this with her husband alive)))). A more controversial example: my concept of cleanliness and comfort in the house is significantly different from my husband’s, and I spend a huge amount of time that I could devote to activities that interest me, cleaning, and not planned (weekly, every evening after dinner, etc.), but on permanent brushing up crumbs, wiping down a spit-stained sink or... a dirty toilet. Or more globally - I want to give birth to a second one, the question is from whom and how?))))))))))))))) Even in this I depend on others !!! (joked)))))))

You know, I, like any mother, of course, try to form in the child that position in life that seems right to me, but what scares me is not that I do this in anticipation of gratitude, but that I am trying to make the child better than it is myself)))))))) I want to warn him against those cones and rakes that met on my way. And I offer him, and often demand, something that I didn’t do myself in childhood, and I don’t always do it now (exercises, for example, or order on the desk). The point is not in examples, but in discrepancy - since you are offering such a model to a child, so be kind - correspond, and I am a hypocrite: "yes, son, I don’t always have enough time and energy for this, but you have more time, therefore you try to keep your table in order"(

I was also slightly rumpled by my mother’s upbringing)))) At the age of 27, I didn’t buy a hat, when I saw it, my mother snorted contemptuously, despite my crazy desire to buy it and a considerable amount of free money of my own at that time - I still remember this case)) )) he is textbook))))

But it is interesting how domestic problems are solved. After all, as a rule, all disagreements in families begin from there. Here, well, suppose a husband and wife have different attitudes towards neatness. Two points of view. Both are already adults.

Husband: A layer of cookie and candy boxes, sandwich plates, crumbs and wrappers on the coffee table in the living room where he drinks tea accumulates as long as there is still at least a centimeter of free space. The same situation with socks that accumulate near and under the bed. At best, cleans once a week for the "big" wash. If one - then when the clean ended. I intend not to raise the situation with the desk, the desk is sacred, although sometimes it is necessary to clean it there.

This is terribly annoying to me. How can irritation be removed? There are several types of reactions, help me find the flaw in my logic, otherwise it’s really hard to live, maybe the advice of forum users will really pull me out of the swamp)))
1) Clean up everything yourself.
Plus: clean and tidy in the house, which has a positive effect on my nervous system.
Cons: it takes too much time to clean up after him all the results of his life, there is no time and energy left for his hobbies. If you miss a day or two, then you will have to rake out the Augean stables, after a week-long business trip you just give up and you want to cry from impotence right on the doorstep. My husband is dissatisfied with my constant cleaning, they say, you constantly snoop around with a vacuum cleaner, but it doesn’t get cleaner in the house.
2) Ask your husband, i.e. constantly remind him of this, since he himself is not accustomed
Pros: conditional order (garbage thrown out, crumbs in place, table not wiped)
Cons: my husband gets annoyed because I "pull and shove him all the time." says that since this mess does not interfere with anyone but me, then I should clean it up.
3) Hire a housekeeper (there was such an experience when she worked closely)
Pros: with luck with the housekeeper, my nervous system is fine and the house is clean
Minus: the husband is not happy that a stranger is in the house, that money is leaving, that with my employment (part-time) keeping a housekeeper is nobility and stupidity and, in general, in his opinion, is still dirty.
4) Leave everything as it is
Pros: the husband is pleased that he "does not interfere with life"
Cons: I can't live in such a pigsty and don't want to.

Maybe there are other options that escaped my attention? None of these suit me. The following would suit me: weekly joint cleaning, daily elimination of pockets of disorder, either by those who litter, or by those who pass by, if the litterer is busy with important business. Deviations are possible. I am ready to accept even "I don't want to today, I'm tired of everything", but at the same time, to be done tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

You girls, excuse me for writing such a billebird here, but, really, I have the impression that my husband manipulates me and wraps me around his finger, SUCCESSFULLY proving to me and convincing me that I, obsessed with sterility, are hysterical. And I’m not hysterical at all, I can calmly, throwing dirty dishes and stepping over thrown things, lie down on the couch, because I just want to lie down more now.

Wow, I wrote so much! Apparently, it hurt a lot. Thank you for your participation)

It's all very linear. If only everything was so simple) On the one hand, a bastard woman a priori cannot be happy))) On the other hand, the lack of sex is a consequence of our accumulated problems. In our case, it will not be possible to restore sex with a wave of a magic wand, because for us it is more psycho than just physiology. First you have to normalize everything else and only then gently try to return sex. On the third hand, answering your question, my sex life is ragged: regular, but rare and intense. But she's all family. Satisfaction with family life does not add (

Now I will briefly answer, otherwise you need to run away.
I would choose the housekeeper option. This is the option that will allow you to live in your own house without experiencing nervous overload, but at the same time you will not annoy your husband with spitting. Yes, he will have to give up his rejection of a stranger in the house. But you will also have to give up your principles to a certain extent, for example, in the approach to cleaning.
But consensus is for those who want to agree on the parties. Does your spouse have such a desire?
But, unfortunately, it is impossible to change your husband. Even if you don’t clean up his socks after him, if you wait until they run out (and what will he wear, by the way?), he still won’t understand anything - people are impenetrable here.
Have you discussed with him the possibility, the expediency of further life together? Did he offer you anything other than an offer to change? Does he even HEAR you?

it means f.. you have, but you need a lover who, unlike her husband, will compliment you, give you trifles, admire you and you, you will feel like a woman again ... so unfortunately many families live who they do not want to part for the sake of children, but they also do not want to bury themselves in this marriage.

Passed by and couldn't resist.
I tried to save the family, you can say that we both tried, but nothing worked, we moved away and sex became rare ... I suffered for a very long time to decide on a divorce, I also thought that my son needed a father and nothing else. My father-in-law pushed me to divorce, just looking at them, I realized that I DON'T WANT to have the same semblance of a family as theirs, they are absolutely strangers, living together from hopelessness, not communicating almost at all, sometimes not even greeting each other.
I decided that my son needs a HAPPY mother!!! And I made up my mind!
And you will not draw, but I have never regretted what I did! On the contrary, I think that it was necessary to decide earlier on a divorce!
Good luck to you!!

My husband's sexual life on the side began 10-12 years earlier than mine, and maybe even earlier. Now, behind the prescription, it is no longer important. And I don’t know for sure, my husband didn’t advertise such things, and I, like many wives, was the last to find out. I don’t know what’s going on with him now, because I stopped digging in search of evidence of infidelity, but they don’t catch my eye.

I have everything in one bottle. I just can't connect it with family life. Doesn't fit. To feel like a woman with someone else .... well, yes .... just such feelings made me think about the fact that life in the family is a burden to me, alas.

No, I don't feel guilty. Moreover, I believe that I have a moral right to such behavior. I hope you never have to find out what fatal consequences for women's health can result in the absence of a sexual life. Before organizing my life in this way, I tried many times to talk about it with my husband. Understand that sex does not just leave a family bed, and asking / demanding sex from a husband is the same as demanding that the train stop. Moreover, if a man has a dysfunction, albeit a phantom one, because, as far as I understand, his physiology only malfunctions with me, talking about this topic leads to even more nervousness. Once, after finishing off my husband with my "conversations", I received in response something like a route sheet to the damn grandmother)))) in a conditionally polite form. Anticipating .... women's tricks were also tried, before any conversations began - it did not help. Let's just say that the sex from the very beginning, apparently, was not brilliant, and men are quite acutely worried if they cannot please the woman they love. This led to the "failure expectation syndrome".

Yes, of course, and more than once. And, I must say, often regretted it. It is extremely difficult to see how your husband turns into a beaten dog in front of your eyes, which climbs out of its skin to give pleasure, but it turns out everything is wrong and wrong, it is extremely difficult. And he really tried, I just needed something else. And he wanted more from me. It usually works both ways....or it doesn't work.

My husband has a rather difficult character, that is, that is. But I'm not an angel either, honestly)))) It seems to me that he does not hear me. But the medal has two sides, it also seems to him that I do not hear and do not listen to him. By stubbornness, we can also be measured on equal terms. God! To be honest, I don’t understand at all how we decided to live together, most likely I didn’t think about it in a state of euphoria in love, and my husband didn’t have such a question at all, he was sure that it should be so. And further life, despite its obvious roughness, to say the least, did not turn us away from coexistence, before the birth of our son, we lived together for about 8 years !!! years (I can’t say more precisely, because there was no stamp in the passport then). And now I consider my husband an outstanding person in many ways, it’s just that my strength has run out to live together (

Discussion of the expediency of further life together always leads to a scandal. If a breakup is discussed, then the husband is extremely categorical: "give me a son, and live as you like" (or more gently, but with the same meaning). If we discuss something that does not suit us in order to improve or simply make what is acceptable (usually I am the initiator), we very quickly fall from my wishes to the tone of "and you yourself" and "start with yourself."

I'm afraid that we are the reverse version of the halves that have found each other and get used to us well .... it's just not given by nature. My husband has many shortcomings, but, by and large, I can say for sure that some other woman could be absolutely happy with him. The nightmare is that this woman is not me (

To the finished socks ....)))) I, like a bad housewife, always have a new pair in my stash, or even two))))))))))))))))))))))) )))

And how old was your son when you and your husband broke up? And how do father and son communicate now?

After all, over time, they began to communicate less. How did this affect your son and in general how did he take your decision?

It seems to me that your husband is simply sure that you will NEVER leave him. Therefore, all your conversations lead to nothing.
My missus also does not have a sweet character. And I am sure that in many ways he is ready for a compromise only because he knows: I can manage without him, but he is without me - another question. And this is not because we are planning a divorce or discussing this topic. It's a matter of internal state. I KNOW that I can organize and provide for my life and the life of my child without him. I'm not a business woman, I have an average salary. But I KNOW I can do it. I think that I can maintain a warm relationship with the father in the child in any life situation.
Just try to start planning your life in detail without a husband: what means to exist, where to live, how communication between a father and a child will look like ... When you start to "develop" the details for yourself, you will come to a specific decision much faster and a clearer understanding of the situation - which is more acceptable and realistic for you.
Having felt your CONTACT thoughts and steps in this direction, the spouse or himself will be the first to talk about
divorce or begin to take steps to smooth things over.
He just feels like you don't know what you want.

Yes, there is a reason for detailed planning, you are absolutely right. I was not puzzled by the details, because there are no big questions before me. The apartment in which we live belongs to me, my income is not huge, but sufficient, the help of my parents is present, if necessary. The question of communication between father and child is very difficult for me. For my part, now I think that the more time they spend together, the better for both of them, and I’m not going to interfere with this, but on the other hand, because I want to separate them territorially (after a divorce, my husband will not live with us ), and, therefore, they will have fewer objective opportunities to be together (because I am not able to buy an apartment next to mine for my husband and I will hardly be able to in the next 10 years). This is provided that the son will live with me. But the court may decide otherwise, because the husband will not voluntarily agree to this. And maybe it’s better for a son to live with his father? A terrible thought: what am I going to do without my son?!? (((

I don't think my husband is so convinced that I can't do without him. Rather, it is his life without us that will lose all meaning, and he hates all sorts of "showdowns" and "showdowns" therefore he tries in every possible way to hush up the pop-up conversations. He used to rake me in an armful with assurances of love, now, depending on the mood, either the conviction that we are still a family and where would each of the three of us be without the others, or "roll wherever you want, but I won't give you my son," but in short, demagoguery does not allow.

Yes, only a blind-deaf-mute will not see my confusion)))) It’s funny, at my age and with my character to experience such sentiments) Yes, I’m AFRAID of living alone .... and I will be afraid right up until I will start living alone. This is an EMOTIONAL fear, not domestic, not financial, not housing. I often talk on the phone with unmarried friends and feel their need to talk to someone, despite the fact that they work and do not experience a particular lack of communication. I see their fatigue from loneliness (children are not yet too old to be able to discuss all issues with them on an equal footing). I watch how without a man in the house, some things become either too physically difficult or more costly financially or emotionally. For example, to buy a Christmas tree for NG: you can’t drag it yourself, or pay for delivery, or smile at your neighbor to help, or buy an artificial one: “you understand, son, there was a dad - there was a tree, now there is no dad, so get used to it.” Buying a watermelon from the same series: either a small one, or plus money for delivery, or fall at the janitor’s feet to drag it from the trunk to the apartment, my son loves the big ones, and I myself can’t even overpower 13 kg. do you understand what I am talking about? These are not problems, of course, these are components of the emotional background. And there are a lot of such small hooks. Those that concern me personally - I will survive, I am afraid of those that will cause me a feeling of guilt in front of my son that I have deprived him of the constant presence of my father nearby.

Yes, I really don't know what I want. More precisely, I want to be happy, but I see no way: either learn to be happy with what I have, no matter what, or try a different quality of happiness, without a husband. Sometimes, it will sound strange)))) I envy a little those women whose husbands "drink, beat their wife on Saturdays and are indifferent to children." In such a situation, the decision is easier to make. I do not have it. A husband is not an ideal, but which of us is ideal, and is an ideal needed at all. But the feeling of heaviness does not let go. And I want happiness, and I also want a harmonious family. Didn’t manage to create, or are there still people so unsuitable for each other that grinding is possible only through the rejection of an important part of one’s self and cutting to the quick?

They spoke. But there is no constructive conversation. From scattered pieces, I can conclude that he also doesn’t like a lot, but he puts coexistence higher, he is convinced that the child is better that way, he has nothing against me in principle either))))) and even loves, and if he did not try to change, would be quite happy. He considers absolute happiness in the family to be unrealistic and unattainable, and a peaceful existence in one living space is sufficient. Don't touch me and I'll be fine. He would prefer that I (from his point of view) did not pay attention to many household trifles. That is, if I don't try to improve my life, if I don't do anything at all, it will be better. The husband lives by the principle: do not scratch Honduras and sooner or later he will fall off himself, and if he does not fall off, then you can pretend that he does not exist. A man is usually less involved in small things than a woman. My husband is satisfied that we are together and he would like both my son and I to be happy with this together, the way it is, without changes, because changes require tension from him, but he does not like it.

I can't help but pay attention to the "little things". And many of these "little things" I do not consider trifles at all. In my understanding, they simply do not correlate with the idea of ​​a harmonious family, and often with the idea of ​​common sense too (We are different, very different, I already said above that, perhaps, another woman would be absolutely happy in these circumstances, but not I. It seems to me that a compromise for us is, as in a joke, a decision that does not suit either side, because, in reality, it requires you to give up yourself, reshape yourself, radically change, and not adjust or get used to it.

It seems to me that if I give examples of our "trifles", then the reaction will be ambiguous, because different people will try on these examples for their worldview. And, perhaps, I am making a mistake by going into details, but .... just imagine that you are used to gathering at the family table in the evenings, having dinner together, talking, etc. - this is part of your ideas about family happiness and suddenly you deprived of it. On the one hand, of course, there is nothing wrong with the fact that your husband almost never eats with you (and I even know friendly families in which this is not accepted, no one suffers from the absence of this and this is not an important place at all), but for me, this is the very little piece of happiness from living together, which needs to be cut off, cut off alive, and there are a great many such pieces. It is enough for my husband that I am somewhere nearby, he is pleased to hear how I am busy in the kitchen while he is playing on the computer, he does not need more. It is uncomfortable for him to tear himself away from the computer or TV in order to "decently" talk at the table, he likes to take his plate and leave. But at the same time, I have to "rustle" somewhere nearby, if I'm not there, he misses me.

I specifically talk about such examples, because they form my family comfort, contentment and satisfaction. There are others, but they are more related to our irreconcilable characters than to family harmony. Given: the son has a hereditary predisposition to myopia. A year ago, the doctor said that there was a sharp deterioration. My actions: I limit the computer TV for the child to the limits allowed by the doctor, I immediately sign up with my son for free stabilization procedures at the district clinic, I pay for a course with a paid ophthalmologist, I buy a Molov table in the hope that it will help my son sit more evenly and correctly (the chair is already was) that will help vision not to deteriorate so rapidly. (remark - money is not from the family budget, but targeted funding from grandparents, they can and want to afford it, but we usually don’t overpower such one-time injections) Husband: what the hell is necessary, you can’t deprive him of his computer, everything is useless, it will grow - will perform an operation (her husband did just that), spent money in vain, the table is disgusting. And this is not indifference to the child, he is just really sure that ophthalmological advice is nonsense, exercises for the eyes do not help, and the table is much worse than an ordinary wooden one, well, he is a little nervous because the parents gave the money, he, like this is unpleasant for the mammoth hunter. Moreover, his protest is active: I will throw out the table, you are stubborn, you are wasting your child’s time on useless things, and so on.

Thanks again to everyone who reads and is responsible for their attention and participation. Believe me, it is very dear to me) Of course, I understand that with such "cockroaches" it is better to go to a psychologist, and not alone, but with your husband. Once I already tried, we went to a psychologist. Now we cannot allocate money for this, therefore, praise to the creators of the forum and thanks to its caring participants)

The author, I understand your torment, she herself cooked for a long time in a similar sauce, but in the end she chose to change herself, despite the loss of some things that seemed basic to me. Believe it or not, I even liked it in the end. Relations with her husband normalized (including sexual ones), gave birth to another child.

How long did it take you to normalize? I understand that both people and situations are not identical, but what do you think, what predictions can be made here? It’s just that after, say, 5 years, I won’t think about the issue of having a second child - it will be too late for me (I don’t mean biological age, although, who knows, my mother’s menopause started early, but the age difference between parents and child, acceptable to myself)

Do you want to change and change family relationships for the better? Was it a desire or a perceived need? I feel broken in this regard. Do not want. I will, if this option turns out to be the most correct or the only one for me, but I don’t want to (not change, but “plow for normalization”). Most likely, this is due to fatigue and the negative coming to the fore. An attempt to normalize relations will not be the first))) Of course, with "such a mood you cannot sell an elephant")) I understand this, and if I decide on another "battle" for family happiness, then the mood will have to be changed, otherwise nothing will not work.

Now I find it difficult to determine the time frame, probably 5 years and gone.
What I wanted at the time of the beginning of the changes was to stay with my husband in a couple, because I clearly understood that I wanted to live in a couple, with him, with another character, and anyway I would have to spend myself on a partner. To begin with, I decided not to waste myself on worries about all the reasons I was worried about before and just manage my area of ​​​​responsibility well, without waiting for my husband’s assessments and opinions on this matter. Of course, during this time I built up a thick skin, hardened in some way, became less emotional and more self-sufficient (haha, even the desire to remain in a pair has pretty much blunted). It was not a fight, but getting used to a different role. But I no longer feel unhappy. She became quite satisfied.

Yes, it's better for you, of course, to discuss all this with a third person - a competent family psychologist who can at least make your husband stay within reasonable limits. I read below that this is not yet possible
In general, it seems that your family rests only on you. And you - on your everyday fear - are kept by your husband. Yes, and a child blackmails
By the way, how old is the child? Could he have already chosen in court with whom to live? What about the financial side of you and your husband? The issue of the child's residence is not decided just like that, "I'll take him away from you," but all aspects of the life of both spouses are considered in a good way.
And what is included in the concept of "working with a child"? What are they doing together?
I wouldn’t snort socks Ended - then ended, call me, dear

I don’t think that a psychologist can force someone to stay within reasonable limits))) I have a feeling that I am not confident either in myself or in my assessments of what is happening) Therefore, I can’t make a decision. Did you notice this in my posts? It’s as if I can’t decide: I’m a vixen myself or a husband, sorry, a goat)) I’m shaking from side to side: either I ask for approval of my own position, or I emphasize my husband’s value. You won’t believe it, when I went to a psychologist it was about the same).

No, not on me)))) Our family rests on the child))))) On our love for him. She unites us

Son is 9 years old. The financial side, from the point of view of the judge, is not brilliant for both. My housing is better, but my husband's mother has an apartment within walking distance from the child's school. Neither side has a clear advantage. I guess it all depends on the lawyer.

The husband takes the child to school and picks him up from school (he hasn’t been working for quite some time, he can’t get where he wants, and he doesn’t want where he can)))). He, with rare exceptions, drives and picks up the child from training. If necessary, he will feed (whatever he can))), and wash (as he sees)), and the rest (well, within his limits))) in any case, when I go on a business trip, I calmly leave the child to my husband. Well, they will be a little dirtier than usual, and with dumplings in their stomachs, but ... I'm not afraid to leave the child to my husband))) I'm sure that everything will be in order. My husband taught him how to pull himself up, and somersaults, and on a bicycle, and on a skateboard, and on skis - that's all he is (no, he's not an announced parent, it's not every day, and not even too regularly, once a month on skis, the bike was more often, they do exercises for a month, they don’t do it for half a year). Reads aloud to the child. He always reads at night (if the child goes to bed on time and is not punished. The lion's share of books for the child is selected, ordered from second-hand booksellers, searched for in grandmother's mezzanines. They sometimes go to museums. My husband has an excellent memory, you can go to the museum with him and without a guide. He helps with the lessons.So far, with mathematics - he is a techie.Well, and my sore spot)))) - they play on the computer together, they also like to watch TV together. I thought .... but what am I doing? Of course, I also do something, but it seems to me that my husband’s capabilities are wider than mine and his knowledge for my son is more significant than mine, and his love for my son is no less than mine. So I'm thinking, maybe I should come over on the weekends, huh?

The socks are over - this is my responsibility, I did not take care of it in time. Letting him go barefoot or dirty....hmm...for a housewife is rude. And I'm a housewife. I work rather than work. I `m teaching. Piecework payment. I can work more - but then I will need to devote to work exactly those hours that are in demand by my family. My schedule is designed around the needs of the family. Only visiting seminars are knocked out.

I thought long and hard about what you wrote. Something gnawed, then I realized. I have already gone through this all once (or maybe more than once?). When sex tried to return. Then my desires were unequivocal and the readiness to make concessions, up to the rejection of myself, was unlimited. It is difficult for me to say now whether my efforts were visible and whether I managed to give up myself as much as I was going to. But it was not possible to restore sex. My husband said that he could not forgive me for my behavior, which led to betrayal and the disappearance of sex. Am I ready to try again? More likely no than yes. I didn’t just become hardened, something broke in me (Yes, and I don’t have 5 years anymore. At 45, I don’t dare to give birth to a child consciously. Even now I doubt it, I think it’s too late.

And again, from the outside: your husband sits on your strong neck, dangles his legs, and even urges you to gallop faster. Why is a non-working wife dragging the whole house and the whole household? Why does he wash, keep clean, cook, buy groceries? This is somehow so natural (if you are at home, then the economy is on you) that it is not even subject to discussion.
Why not in your case? A non-working husband, logically, is also quite able to take care of the house. Clean up, keep your socks (your own, wife's and child's) clean, buy groceries, cook. Not this way? And why? Why do you have to clean up, he - pig, and even protest against the cleaning lady coming??? Why are men's dirty socks a concern? Some kind of kindergarten, honestly.
You, then, are a housewife, because you built your work schedule in such a way that you also lick the house, and your husband is a hard worker_in_sweat_face. Yeah.
No, I do not argue, perhaps my upbringing and my subjective view of roles in the family are to blame here. But the departure of a husband from home barefoot or in dirty socks is only his headache, even though we work on an equal footing with each other.


Thank you for warm words. I am very flattered) In general, to be honest, I was ready for more marginal opinions and rotten tomatoes) It was nice to be deceived and read in the responses the points of view of people close in age and life experience. And, all the more pleasant to feel empathy and a desire to help. Thanks)

There is no dialogue, there never was.
I disappeared because I made another attempt to establish this dialogue. Been out of whack for a while. Maybe I'll be able to write tonight. While nervousness was replaced by cottoniness.

Dear author, I'm sorry, I can't give you any specific advice. But you cause such sympathy that it is impossible not to say about it.
I would like to advise you to read one book - Figdor "The Troubles of Divorce and Ways to Overcome Them", don't be confused by the title, I think you can look for answers to the questions that torment you so much. And in the event of a divorce, it will help to organize communication so that the child suffers minimally).
The book is more for specialists, but reading how you argue, I have no doubt that you can learn a lot for yourself there.
Do you know how we are? We communicate with our son in turn, almost like divorced. My husband plays with him in the evening, while I iron in another room or clean the kitchen. On weekends together, but apart from mutual irritation and a tense atmosphere, this brings nothing.

The husband does not even try to make at least some effort, then the child was with the father-in-law, I bought tickets to the theater, to the cinema, dressed up, cut my hair, and he got into his jeans, in which he goes to AUCHAN, and with an unshaven physiognomy to the theater so and went.

I don’t know what to do ... I think that I don’t love him anymore, just like he doesn’t love me. Living together for a child? Does a child need such a family, where parents can hardly restrain their irritation and anger at each other? As in your case, my husband gives a lot to the child, it is clear that during a divorce, even if you see each other often, the child will lose this communication ...

Unhappy marriage or can it still be fixed? It all started with the fact that our couple met at a party with mutual friends. But for her, they were rather acquaintances, and for him it was difficult to call them friends. She was in a black short tight dress, without a special neckline, but this did not hide her beautiful feminine figure.

Long, curly hair of the shade of the night sky gently framed her face, descending to her shoulders and below, reaching to the very waist. Beautiful slender legs, as they say, from the ears, only enhanced her natural sexuality. She was 20 years old.

"Hey! My name is Dima!” the guy in the tracksuit said smiling.
"Hi! Polina,” she answered, nodding, also without hiding her smile.

Looking at him, a sports suit immediately caught my eye, dressed on Dima, with stripes, red and blue. Our Dima didn’t differ much in his hair either - short-cropped hair “under a comb”, but it was clear that the guy was a brunette. Large open eyes, beautiful amber color. “They meet by clothes” - Polina was not delighted with Dima.

She was not attracted to guys who constantly wear tracksuits and do not buy other things for themselves, and our Dima was just from this category of citizens. And it’s very difficult to call Dmitry handsome.

Moral character before an unhappy marriage

I would like to step back and describe the moral character of Polina. This is a simple girl, it is always easy to communicate with her, she does not divide people into rich and poor, bad and good, beautiful and ugly, happy and unhappy, everyone is equal for her. Everyone is a little poor and rich, in some ways they are good, but in some ways they are bad, for some they are beautiful, but for others we seem not beautiful. We make ourselves happy or unhappy.

If we talk about appearance, then for her a man did not have to be handsome. In this regard, she did not care: a man should be a man and that's it. But women are all beautiful, as they say: “There are no ugly women!”, It’s just that this is done individually for each, you just need to know - “how?”.

Polina is not greedy for money, but she understood that existence without capital is a miserable existence. She did not judge anyone and lived without regret, and this was her principle. She had no problems with the opposite sex, mainly due to her appearance, but she never considered herself windy and dissolute, rather just a kind and weak-willed girl.

Many of her suitors took from her what they wanted and were such. She didn’t love them all, that’s why she didn’t cry when they didn’t call back or pick up the phone, it was just unpleasant and disgusting that you, as usual, were taken advantage of. She cried because of a man only once, when she was 18 years old and the guy she loved very much left her. But this is an experience, no, but an experience.

Over time, Polina became smarter and tougher, as always, without regretting anything, she went forward on a positive note. She always hoped for the best, she believes that everything will be fine. In the company of her fun, she has a great sense of humor, which is rare for a girl.

So, Dmitry's sympathy for Polina did not become something new for her. Naturally, he liked her immediately, of course, she realized this immediately after they met, almost in his eyes. There was a party, it was fun and everything slowly calmed down, someone left, someone fell asleep, and Dmitry and Polina sat in the kitchen and talked while drinking beer. And so they chatted all night. When it began to get light, sleep hit their heads, and they decided to sleep.

It all happened on the first night. For her, it was not a shock, or rather a good time, especially since she was drunk. Leaving home after sleeping with Dmitry, he asked for her phone number, Polina gave the number, but did not see a future in the relationship, although after nightly conversations, Dmitry turned out to be a completely normal guy and an interesting conversationalist.

Dima called back the same day in the evening and offered to meet. And so several meetings and Polina found out that they had a lot in common with Dima: tastes, views, etc. They started dating. After 5 months, Dima proposed, but she refused. It seemed to her that it was too early, and she never imagined him as a husband. They didn't even live together.

But Dima was not upset, he just smiled and said that he knew that she would refuse, and they laughed together. But he did not leave attempts to marry Polina, because he loved her with all his heart. Then they moved in together, began to live together, and after some time Polina agreed to become Dmitry's wife. At first it was a happy marriage.

They decided to do the wedding in September, three months after the last marriage proposal and a year after they met. Polina found out that she was pregnant a month before the wedding, and then they were already living with their future mother-in-law, thinking that this way they would spend less money on a rented apartment. After the wedding, a little later, a son was born, who was named Artyom. The happily married Polina's eyes shone with joy.

Dimitri was not perfect. He loved deeply, but he hurt his beloved, literally and figuratively. He raised his hand at her during quarrels, calling her a slut .. and humiliating her, then he apologized, promised to improve, she cried and believed. ...

At first she believed, then she realized that Dima would never change and all his actions led to an unhappy marriage. And 2 years later, after another conflict, she packed up, left with Artyom to her mother and filed for divorce. Polina was resolute, she wanted to bring this divorce to an end, as quickly as possible, in order to see her husband less and be upset, divorce was a test for her, and she also felt bad at the thought that the family was destroyed, that she had to disperse and that nothing could to do with it.

Enough with her humiliation, because the child sees it all. She tried to save her family, God knows, she tried, but Dmitry always broke down. There was a child, so they were not immediately divorced, but given a 2-month sentence. All this time, Dima tried to return Polina, but she stood her ground.

He suffered no less than Polina, he loved her and did not understand how he could allow such a thing as he could! It seemed to him that she did not love him and therefore abandoned that she had someone else. He did not understand that the point here was not at all in this, but in his attitude towards her, about his rudeness and humiliation. It was bad for both, but each saw it in his own way.

Dmitry was very jealous, and during quarrels, he was also tyrannical. He was jealous of his wife for any man. Polina did not give a reason, her natural attractiveness did it for her. Even talking about any man, about a male actor or just about a cartoon character who was a man, did not inspire Dima, he began to get angry, his mood immediately deteriorated.

Unhappy marriage or divorce

At the first trial, when 2 months had passed, Polina held on as best she could so as not to burst into tears, so that he would not see her weakness. And Dmitry suffered from the fact that his Polina was leaving, she might not return again, she still decided and would not tolerate him anymore, would not smile at him in the morning, cook delicious lunches and dinners, have a good time and forgive his breakdowns. No longer.

When asked in court whether they wanted a divorce, did they change their minds? Polina got up and, with a lump in her throat, said no, she had not changed her mind. “Well, you have a child. Think about it,” the judge said. "I thought a lot. But I don’t love him,” Polina replied. For Dima, it was a blow, he did not expect such a turn, as did the judge: “Even so?”.

Polina did not begin to name the real reason why she left Dima, she was ashamed. Then the judge turned to him and asked the same question, does he agree to get a divorce? Dmitry said that he was very sorry about everything, but he didn’t want to get divorced, that they had a child and he was ready for anything to save the family.

• But she doesn't love you, you heard
• I don’t believe in it and ask for more time to think, Dima answered
• In this case, you have another month

They silently left the courtroom. On the porch, he approached her and wanted to say something, she stopped him, raising her hand. She said she would leave sooner or later.

Every day he called, asked, begged. Polina set the condition that if he wanted to communicate normally with her, then he should not return her, try to care for her, give flowers, gifts and talk about divorce. This allowed Polina to see Oleg less and maintain a tolerant relationship between them, if only for the sake of her son. There was not much time left until the next trial.

Polina and Oleg communicated like good friends, without a hint of a family. It became easier for Polina to go through a divorce. And on the eve of the trial, Dima arrived in the evening, called and asked to go to his car. Polina came out, and then, he spoke, how he repents, what a fool he is, that he promises to improve and understands how he offended her and hates himself for it. She looked at him and said that it was all over and he was incorrigible. Polina cried, he asked for forgiveness, but could not, everything was too serious.

In the morning, on the day of the trial, Dmitry got out of the car with a large bouquet of red roses and carried them to Polina. Seeing this, she stood in a stupor for a second, then with a tremor in her voice said: “Well, why?! I asked!”, turned around and hurriedly went to the court. "Pauline, stop!" Dimitri shouted, “Sorry! If you don't want to, don't take these flowers. I just love you". Tears filled their eyes, both for Polina and for Dimitri.

They never divorced

Polina gave Dmitry another chance. The first few months after the failed divorce were calm. Polina saw that Dima was trying, trying to restrain himself, although it was not easy.

But everything happened again, Polina was no longer surprised, they did not blame anyone for this, only herself, she did not divorce him, so she forgave him. Another year has passed and nothing has changed. Everything seems to be fine, then another breakdown, bruises, tears, resentment, apologies. Then Dmitry simply stopped apologizing, and Polina stopped being afraid of him, she hated him, although she did not show it.

After another breakdown of Dmitry, she decided to move in with her mother again. Divorce or not, for her this question was not, Polina decided to shift his decision onto the shoulders of Dmitry, let him decide for himself, this is just a stamp in the passport.

One evening she decided to relax with her friends. We went to the club, made new acquaintances, and Polina cheated on Dmitry. Oddly enough, but she did not regret it: “After all, he thinks so. He tells me this all the time." Dmitry found out and was furious, but there was also relief in the fact that he can now say with absolute certainty that she cheated on him. Polina didn't care.

But Dmitry always said that he loved Polina, but she no longer believed this. She knew that this is the male ego, he is the owner and that's it, and there is no question of any love here.

So 10 years have passed since the wedding of Dmitry and Polina. She does not love him, but lives with him, because she understood one simple thing, that this is fate, her fate. He hurts her and she cheated on him. “Probably, now we deserve each other,” Polina said sarcastically, looking at Dmitry. He smiled uncertainly, but there was nothing to be happy about.

Sometimes, after strong quarrels, terrible thoughts come to her about how she hates him, how she wants to take a pillow, put it on his face when he sleeps and ... If you had to leave, then when there was a trial, you had to insist, but she I forgave and hoped for the best. Polina will never leave her husband, she can only live with it. She still believes that everything will be fine and can only hope for it. But you need to get rid of unhappy marriages, because they spoil your whole life.

If you study modern statistics, it is frightening. There are 70 divorces for every 100 couples who marry. Of course, everyone has their own reasons that make them part with those whom they once swore to be together in joy and in sorrow, but sometimes it is a hasty and thoughtless decision to start a family that leads people after a magnificent wedding or not very realize that their marriage is not a happy one. And before deciding to divorce, the majority still thinks about what to do so that the marriage ceases to be unhappy.

Why marriage can be unhappy

If one of the spouses feels unhappy, dissatisfied with how life together has developed, he does not feel satisfied, no matter for what reasons, such a marriage is definitely unsuccessful. Even if the second is satisfied and believes that their family life is a success.

Everyone is unhappy in their own way, for some certain situations or behaviors mean nothing, but for some they are terrible, unacceptable and painful. It all depends on how strong a person’s psyche is, how healthy, whether he knows how to love himself, appreciate, whether he understands what he wants from life, what makes him happy, what he is ready to do for his comfort, and what is unacceptable for him.

Many people believe that when they meet love, they will immediately become happy, their life will be filled with light and joy, sorrows and problems will disappear, everything will be fine and beautiful for them. And when this doesn’t happen, they don’t even understand that sometimes the reason is not what kind of man is next to them, but what kind of representatives of the opposite sex they like, with whom they want to have a relationship, and with whom they don’t, how they generally see their family life.

They do not realize that happiness does not depend on whether they are single or married. It, no matter how trite or worn out it may sound, depends on the person himself. From his ability to enjoy life, whether he is alone or in a relationship, how satisfied he is with his self-realization, fulfillment of desires, whether he is happy with what he sees or does, whether he helps others, what he dreams of, what he believes in, what he hopes for, why laughs, what he enjoys at any moment, whether he perceives difficulties as tasks that he can solve, as experiences that help him grow up and become wiser, or as unsolvable problems. If a person is happy when he is free, love will only make his life better, not make him happy.

If the person himself is unhappy, he usually dissolves in the life of a loved one, lives not his life, but his or hers, forgets about his interests, and then very soon the spouse may get tired of them. There is no more attraction, interest, desire to be together, because their partner has completely dissolved in him, and who cares with his shadow.

When women are sure that only marriage will make them happy, help solve all their problems, deal with contradictions, relieve fears, fill life, and not supplement what they already have, then future problems are already laid in the family, although it not yet created. Who is ready to pull another person on himself, becomes for him a light in the window, constantly feeling how he surrounds him with suffocating attention, considers him a lifesaver, does not let go of himself a single step, and is constantly afraid that he will disappear or not love much . After all, when it is difficult, she will not support, because all her life she hoped only for him, and not for herself.

Marriages are not happy for those who do not know how to love themselves. Such people do not know what love is and are not able to give it until they love themselves. And people cannot live happily together when they do not feel that they are loved, appreciated, thought about, worried about, cared for, given freedom, not limited, but supported, and create a sense of reliability that he or she is always there. And no matter how they try to demand it, even with the help of screams, tantrums, insults, claims, a person who does not love himself is not able to give what he does not possess. After all, you can show love when you show it to yourself, and you know what it is.