The three of us live together, my husband and I. Sexual love in Russian: threesome life

Hello. I have been living with my husband for 12 years. I am 31, he is 32., daughters 12. I thought that everything was fine until some time. Conversations began on his part that I don’t really fantasize in bed, I want something more. And I have some kind of stupor, I lie and in a panic think out how to diversify our sex life. I had a complex and made a mistake, tried it with another, changed it. Acuity of sensations
yes there is .. at the initial stage, but I would like all this to be with my husband, but I can’t relax, I’m all worried that there will be banal sex again, but how and where they didn’t do it (and he liked it), but every time everyone is afraid of some kind that something will be wrong again. She told her husband everything about the betrayal, forgave her. He says what did I do wrong to you that you did this. Yes, it's okay, I feel guilty. But this is only the beginning. He met another, fell in love, met her quietly for two years, and then came in frustrated feelings and said that she was leaving me. Maybe I would understand everything, I myself parted with my lover, it was hard, but I realized that I have no one more dear than my husband and tied up all relationships on the side. But the husband can't. He says he loves me and her. He introduced me to her and I don't blame her for anything. She doesn’t leave him, apparently there was a temporary impulse and now they are dating, I know about this and don’t know how to relate to everything. And I love him, and I'm jealous and I've been living like this for almost a year. I tried not to pay attention, but the problem remains, I worry about everything in my soul and roar into my pillow at night. Sometimes I break down, I talk about a divorce, I ask him to make a choice, but I know that it’s hard for my husband to choose too. Sex in general has come to naught, as I imagine that he goes to bed from another to me, so there’s nothing reluctant at all, what a fantasy! The husband says, change your attitude to all this, accept everything as it is. But I can’t, as soon as I hear her name, everything breaks inside. Tell me how to be, I don’t want to part with my husband, and he, too, but it’s unbearable to live like this anymore.

Nina, Russia, 31 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Nina.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that her husband is different. We do not live in the Muslim world and have grown up to be a second or first wife. Your feelings are completely understandable. When two people live together, publicly or not publicly there are rules of this "hostel". Very often, spouses do not agree on these rules and they themselves develop, spontaneously, so to speak. But what to do when one of the partners is not satisfied with the rules, and he does not want to live like this. Then you can agree on new rules that would suit both. It is clear that we will have to compromise, to give in something, but in the end to get more satisfying living conditions. If it doesn’t work out in any way, then you can turn to a third party, for example, a lawyer who will help you conclude a marriage contract, in which everything will be spelled out. Or to a psychologist who will help to negotiate. There is such a technique in family psychology, called "mediation", with the help of which spouses most often manage to agree on how they will live on.

Sincerely, Moskova Maria Valerievna.

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Christine: Hello Olga!
Thank you so much for your trust service. I always read with interest your answers - so subtle, close to me. And now I decided to write, because I want to know your view on the situation in which I got. I'm just going crazy!

The fact is that the three of us live together, although I dreamed of an ordinary family. It all started 3 years ago, when I was struck by talented works (I am an art critic), it turned out that their author, Valery, is older than me, although he looks like a peer: yoga, martial arts. Bright appearance. Witty and very deep can talk about everything from computers to ancient religions. In general, he conquered me immediately, however, his charm is usually felt by everyone. Friendships began when together - not in a cafe, but at archaeological excavations, etc.

He soon admitted that he was now on his third divorce. According to him, the wives are smart, beautiful, but for some reason they leave for the sake of others. Now "the women in his life are over." In addition, his relatives openly declared that I was "gray" for him. So I didn't expect anything. I just wanted to distract him, because. after the departure of his wife, he seriously tried to end his life. Insomnia, depression, very homesick. At his request, we spent more and more time together.

After 2 months, Valery became my first man. Suddenly, he "came to life" - he said that he was proud of our closeness, because I "gave my virginity." From that day on, he prepared for me surprises, entertainment, candlelit evenings and baths full of roses. In general, the romance you dream about. Every day is like an adventure: designing a website together, writing a book, learning Japanese, flying in a helicopter, swimming under the moonlight, etc. Every night is like an erotic film. All this, fortunately, continues to this day.

On his advice, I changed my appearance and became more stylish. Friends say that I blossomed with him. He wanted more and more intimacy, which even scared me. Every day he called, wrote, told about everything that happened without me, even took it with him to parties where everyone came without women, at work he listened only to my criticism. It was embarrassing that he told all the dreams, even erotic ones, about other women, details about former loved ones. He himself was jealous even of his friends, employees, of everyone.

Outwardly independent, Valery was responsible with me. We moved in six months later. Then I began to hope that we are a couple, and not just friends. We often talked about his students, especially our favorite, Lena, who was in love with Valery. He, laughing, read her notes, poems. A talented girl copied him both in work and in life. Before our eyes, she grew into a tall, curvy, athletic blonde, outwardly similar to all Valery's wives (I am a small, flat brunette).

Once I returned from a business trip, and from the threshold he began to ask me to forgive, because. was close to Lena. Allegedly by chance: after a student-teacher party in his house, she asked to spend the night, began to declare her love, they were drunk ... He repented that he had hurt me, he was ashamed. But from that day on, all the talk was only about Lena. Like, he is a scoundrel, and she is a victim. He was the first man in her life.

Lenin's parents found out about their relationship, made her a scandal. He was tormented that he left her in trouble, even for the first time he took to drink. I could not stand it, and I myself asked to call Lena, to support. But new meetings led to new intimacy. And he told me all this. But now he convinced me that Lena was a genius, a beauty, a noble person.

Without scenes (remembering that we promised to be friends) I moved to my apartment. I said that I would arrange my life, and they would be a good couple. But he just went crazy: he came to me, to work, called, even cried, sent flowers and letters with requests to return. He said that he would not forgive himself for this, he did not want to be a scoundrel. What worries about how I can live alone (I have no relatives). That he's in love with both of us. With Lena spoke only about me. And vice versa. I started seeing him again. So "the three of us" - for almost a year. Lena convinces me that she is not a rival, she simply cannot live without him, Valery is her idol. Everything suits her. But she's 18 - her life is ahead of her. And I will soon be 27. Outwardly, we do not quarrel with her, we help each other at work and at home, we have many common undertakings. But inside, it's a huge stress for me. Constant comparison with a young, beautiful girl.

If Valery had treated me cooler, I would have left: but, as before, calls, care, frankness, gifts, sex - everything is wonderful. I am not jealous with them, but at home I often cry: there is no family, no future, I live alone. I can't even change him. And I don't want to. And he is still terribly jealous. And Lena too. It seems that it is climbing out of the skin so as not to lose us. You know, he had a difficult childhood: his mother constantly left him in an orphanage, then in a hospital, then to distant relatives, she treated him very indifferently. He lacked affection so much, constant fear that she would leave him forever.

Maybe that's why he won't let Lena and me go? He is afraid to lose women - whether he is needed or not ... Is it possible to love two at all? Or to me - a habit and pity that I'm lonely? Or an exaggerated responsibility for us? He says, wait - Lena will outgrow her love and leave me. So I'm an "alternate airfield"? Her parents (but not her) demand that Valery marry her. And he began to ask me to give birth.

Maybe it will bind him? Or, on the contrary, while I walk around pregnant and tortured, will he go to Lena? And what's in store for the baby? What if she gets pregnant (her dream)? Valery and Lena see the only way out - to live, sleep, raise children together as a family. It scares me. Yes, and it seems that we will start to quarrel. But it's better than loneliness... Or "compete" with Lena, push her out of Valery's life? Or leave? But it will hurt both him and me. I'm completely confused. Help, please, from the outside, maybe something is clear ...

Olga-WWWoman: Hello Christine! I know the bohemian environment quite well and I can say that such things are quite common in this environment. But just as definitely I can say that you should not create family relationships with such a man. You just can't stand it and leave anyway.

But your specialty and professional environment are also not conducive to family life, as far as I know female art critics - everyone is lonely ... It would be worth giving birth in any case, even if there is no husband, but without relatives this is a big problem, as I understand it.

If I were in your place, I would not give birth to Valery - your son or daughter by inheritance may have the same problems with family life as his father.

You won't go anywhere yet - you love him too much, he keeps you close by himself too tightly. He is greedy for life, for new sensations. He is sometimes romantic and wears it in his arms, and then he forgets about the existence of a woman. Everything is based on impulse, mood, expression. Familiar. How familiar is this...

Sooner or later, you will get tired ... but now, while he asks not to leave him - condescend, communicate, but I think sharing sex with another woman is somehow destructive, or something, despite all the bohemianism and blurring of the moral standards of his circle. .. Where can you put jealousy? Plus she's younger and his favorite type...

I do not think that he loves her, but as a man he is flattered by her love. Both you and she are compensation (how, two virgins gave him themselves) for his defeats with his wives, compensation for a difficult childhood and "dislike", for humiliation from previous women.

If you can’t see him - meet as a friend, but sleep with him - I don’t know, I don’t know ... After all, Lena, she is probably so calm because she doesn’t consider you a serious rival, but what she says is still necessary divide by 20...

As a woman, you must respect yourself and fight to be the ONLY one for him. I think it's worth a try. The most natural condition would be: either marry her, or tear. No other is given. His egoism must be curbed, because the current situation is extremely convenient for him, but he does not think about you, let them, they say, figure it out among themselves. And you, each in your soul, hope that someone will not stand it and leave. You can wait for years, it's better to immediately put all the dots on i. - let him, a man, decide, not small - whom he loves and with whom he stays.

Only I am afraid that he does not love anyone but himself, talented and beautiful - he only amuses his pride and needs excessive affection, attention and love. He respects and loves only himself, unique, and his desires. His God is Desire. Decide whether you will fight for him or not. But since from the very beginning he limited your relationship to "friendship", then there are very, very few hopes for more.

All his words and deeds are just conscientiousness and unwillingness to look like a complete bastard and selfish in your eyes (so it seems to me). A woman for him is a Goddess, and his outbursts have little to do with you personally. He is preoccupied with selfishness. Such men love themselves in the process of love (let's hope I'm wrong). All of them consider themselves geniuses and need worship and great love, most often unrequited. In their hearts, they respect few people, initially considering others as a "crowd". But they know how to love women, only they are not able to love one, for them each is the embodiment of all the women of the world. And only having met one in which he will find the embodiment of many of the brightest women for him, he can stop and fall in love seriously.

Christine: Thank you very much for your letter! What a clever girl you are, Olga, it immediately became easier on my soul! I tried to convey the facts without judgment, but you saw everything as if you knew him, said what I had been thinking about for a long time. And that he doesn’t even know me or Lena as people. And that a woman for him is an abstract goddess who can be idolized, feared and hated at the same time. And that he doesn't love us both. Yes, and in general is not capable of this feeling.

It would seem, what am I waiting for, if so? Where is the pride - to meet a man who does not love and sleeps with another? This is what I often say to myself. :) But I think it's not about attachment, I could break up with Valery. The reason is complex ... or just nonsense ...

In general, I looked through my first letter to you: indeed, everything began with his work - even before we met. It's not easy for me to get into anything. After all, as an art critic, I am already a terrible nitpick and critic. :) I meet various unrecognized geniuses in droves. And I don't even like it. But Valery's paintings are, well, true, talented. For me, this is something very valuable. Probably, just a complex of each person with my specialty - to discover talent.

But, oddly enough, I don’t even want to amuse ambition: I don’t believe that Valery will “unwind”, and for some reason I don’t give a damn whether one person will appreciate him or a million. The best part is that he doesn't care either. But when you come across something amazing... and when you see how such a painting is born right before your eyes... and in general grows out of all this life... When, on the verge of your knowledge, you puzzle over how, for example, to solve a compositionally conceived theme. Not trite. And suddenly a person easily gives out this! Where there is a wall for you, for him it is a "green door". In general, his painting is something more than me, and Lena, and himself - put together.

Of course, he is not the only one. How many tales are circulating in the same bohemian circles about real phenomena - those who have drunk themselves, hanged themselves, ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Why, it's not even a pity for them - the possibilities are ruined. And now you look forward to what else he can "do" from a person, because he does everything so easily - work, since God has given you such opportunities! And then he gets poisoned because of his runaway wife, then he drinks because of an 18-year-old girl ... It's clear why.

A very smart and adult Valery leads the brush. And he acts - a boy who has not grown up. A five-year-old frightened kid among strangers, about whom his own mother forgot. Unnecessary, lonely, abandoned. Too familiar from my own childhood. I want to make up for the dislike. And all the time you are waiting for "podlyanki", looking for evidence of love. You can lie to a woman that you have cancer and follow the reaction. Or right after her friend's funeral, ask for intimacy. Who, they say, is dearer to her: me or the deceased? Cruel, selfish, of course. A normal woman after such "tricks" can leave ...

Only this is not from narcissism - from the inability to love oneself without nourishment from outside. Valery is terribly cruel to himself. Imagine, an adult can seriously starve himself, because today he did not deserve dinner at his place! Someone has to justify it to himself ... And it is better to spend energy on creativity than on licking wounds.

Here I am - like I got rid of the childish thirst for affection. Not by myself - I got wonderful friends. Warmed up - had the strength to grow up. But Valery was not caught ... And neither bohemian beauties nor prosperous girls will understand his "oddities". Although their love greatly increases self-esteem. And then thanks. I alone could not give him too much affection. And Lena somehow even "unloaded" me. The only such "hungry" person is trying to make both a mother, and a friend, and a mistress, etc. Also sometimes she takes revenge for the fact that she is a hostile creature - a woman. Against the background of touching games of romance.

I tried more than once to become just a friend to Valeria, but refusing sex for him is the same as rejection. Again unwanted! And marriage is a form of violence, something disgusting. So he won't marry anyone. Therefore, I will either decide to leave, or I will fight for his work, that is, for his bright mood.

Now Valery, despite his hectic personal life, works from morning to night. It just shines. I don’t know if this is love on my part, if when he once got bored in the middle of “prosperity”, I myself arranged for him the opportunity to go on a very risky trip. Extreme sport. Adrenaline did its job: inspiration returned again.

But a woman in love with him would probably only think that he would risk his life - and dissuade him. I am ready to bring him and the harem myself, if only I don’t waste time on “passion-muzzle”. Just a simple "falling in love" will not solve anything by itself. But he understands his children's complexes, tries to grow up, changes.

I believe that the main thing is for him to understand everything himself, as long as the world is not seen as so hostile and as long as it is obvious that women spoil him, he deserves love. And if he can fall in love with someone in a mature way, I will be the first to congratulate them and disappear.

It would be nice for Valery, probably, to go to a psychotherapist. But for him it is a shame, worse than death. I hope I'm not trying to realize myself at his expense. I have my own business and successes. But co-creation with him, Valery's works - for me something like a matter of life ... just look at them - doubts disappear. That's only when I'm tortured, tired - the professional in me sleeps, and the woman begins to cry over her seemingly unsettled woman's share. But, to be honest, neither the family nor the child really shines for me. So why not try to create conditions for a good person to create a good painting? If he evokes a sea of ​​tenderness in me, and without his love, there is still enough strength (subject to a conscientious attitude towards me and care), why not give it to someone in need? Once again, thank you so much and sorry for the confusion.
Best regards, Kristin

Olga-WWWoman: Every artist probably dreams of such a woman. He needs you while he needs you, nothing humiliating but your<не расставании>no. Moreover, you put higher your mission to support talent. Your role in everyday life and moral terms is unenviable, but who knows ... a person does not live by life alone ... if you see your path next to him as with an outstanding talent, then there is no disharmony ... Your goal is not a family, but Service. I understand it...

He was lucky, he met a woman who is on a different level of consciousness than most women, a woman who sees her destiny ... I could not share my husband with someone else, even for the sake of a great creative goal ...

Apparently, I am more down to earth, or maybe I have not experienced the ecstasy of worship in my life ... I understand everything that you compromise, suffer in your soul, make sacrifices for the sake of this child genius and step on your feminine pride.

You can both sympathize and envy. Envy that your life is spent in creativity - both in your own and next to the creativity of a richly gifted person. I understand that THIS is how much is forgiven, and while it is being forgiven, goodbye. There will come a moment - sorry. I wish you to live in peace with yourself, and I think you will not be bored ...

Christine: THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING!!! TRUST SERVICE
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Let's make a reservation right away that the term "Swedish family" exists exclusively in Russian and has nothing to do with real Sweden. In the rest of the world, a polyamorous family is commonly referred to as ménage à trois - literally translated as "household for three." Living in this way, both all participants and only some of them can be in intimacy with each other.

Nikolai Nekrasov and the Panaevs

“Everyone was outraged not by the fact that Nekrasov was polygamous, a polygamist, incapable of single-married love. These are almost all the lyrics…” wrote Korney Chukovsky in his article “The Poet's Girlfriends”.

The personal life of the “singer of a Russian woman” really was not easy. At the age of 26, Nekrasov falls madly in love with the beautiful Avdotya Panaeva. And although Panaeva was far from the poet's first sweetheart, it is she who is traditionally considered his muse and inspirer.

Avdotya Panaeva was smart, beautiful, very talented... and married to another Russian writer, Ivan Panaev. And although the girl at first steadfastly rejected the courtship of the young rake, she soon gave up. During one of the trips, Panaeva and Nekrasov confessed their feelings to each other.

What Ivan Panaev experienced about this is unknown, but, apparently, this did not interfere with their friendship. And given that soon all three lived happily in the Panaevs' apartment, their union turned out to be stronger than it seemed.

In collaboration with Panaeva, Nekrasov wrote several novels - Avdotya then wrote under a male pseudonym, which was common in those days. According to rumors, Nekrasov repeatedly arranged scenes of jealousy for Panaev, but disagreements did not prevent the partners from living together for 16 years - until Panaev's death.

During this time, Avdotya managed to get pregnant from Nekrasov, but, unfortunately, the child soon died. After the death of Panaev, Avdotya and Nikolai also did not live together for long. Apparently, the "third" in their bizarre friendship was not superfluous.

In an obituary published in Sovremennik (1862, No. 2), Chernyshevsky wrote: “... Panaev was loved by everyone who only knew him: there was so much kindness, gentleness and that attractiveness in him, which is communicated to a person by the predominance of good spiritual qualities in him ... »

Ivan Turgenev and Viardot: "on the edge of someone else's nest"

, a famous French writer and art historian, and opera diva Pauline Garcia got married in 1840. He was already forty, and the girl was only twenty. They were introduced by the writer George Sand, who, although she was a close friend of Louis, still admitted that he was "dull as a nightcap."

Polina found a decent husband in Louis, but this calmness was not enough for her. “As you promised me, I found in Louis an exalted mind, a deep soul and a noble character ... Excellent qualities for a husband, but is that enough?” Pauline George Sand wrote.

Three years after the wedding, and there was a reason to dispel the boring family life. In the autumn of 1843, 25-year-old Ivan Turgenev was among the spectators of the opera performance. And after some time, Turgenev also met Louis, then the director of the Italian theater in Paris. The opera diva did not particularly distinguish Turgenev from the crowd of her fans, but when her tour in St. Petersburg ended, Ivan Turgenev rushed after the Viardot family. For attachment to the “damned gypsy”, his mother did not give him money for three years. Turgenev travels around Europe: to Berlin, then to London, Paris, a tour of France and again to St. Petersburg, all the while living in the Viardot family "on the edge of someone else's nest", according to his own statements. In the early 1860s, the Viardot family settled in Baden-Baden, and with them Turgenev ("Villa Tourgueneff"). Thanks to the Viardot family and Ivan Turgenev, their villa has become an interesting musical and artistic center.

Turgenev loved her four children (including him) as if they were his own. The true nature of the relationship between Pauline Viardot and Turgenev is still the subject of debate. There is a version that after Louis Viardot was paralyzed due to a stroke, Polina and Turgenev actually entered into a marital relationship. According to one version, in this love triangle there were also men to whom Pauline Viardot was located ...

Grevs, in his History of One Love, wondering whether the relationship between Turgenev and Viardot could have been a relationship between spouses, says: “It turns out that a three-way cohabitation that does not quite fit with the natural feelings of people ... On what moral principles did it develop? With some strange friendship between Turgenev and the husband of his beloved woman, based on common hunting hobbies, something is not good.

Mayakovsky, Osya and the "muse of the Russian avant-garde"

“Volodya didn’t just fall in love with me - he attacked me, it was an attack. For two and a half years I did not have a single free minute - literally. I was frightened by his assertiveness, growth, his bulk, irrepressible, unbridled passion. His love was immeasurable,” wrote his muse Lilya Brik about Mayakovsky.

In Mayakovsky's autobiography, the day of the meeting with Brik in July 1915 is defined as "the most joyful date." Between Mayakovsky and Lilya Brik, a stormy romance broke out very quickly, which was not prevented by Lilya Brik's husband Osip. In the summer of 1918, Mayakovsky and Briki began to live as a threesome, moving from apartment to apartment. According to the memoirs of the Soviet poet Voznesensky, in old age Lilya Brik confessed to him: “I loved making love with Osya. We then locked Volodya in the kitchen. He was torn, wanted to us, scratched at the door and cried ... "

However, there are versions that everything was quite the opposite - Osip did not have enough strength and health to make love to his wife, and he gave way to a younger lover.

Mayakovsky, Lilya and Osip Brik

Lydia Korneevna Chukovskaya recalled her visit to the Briks not without rejection: “It was difficult for me to communicate with them, the whole style of the house was not to my liking. It seemed to me, moreover, that Lilya Yurievna had no interest in Mayakovsky's poetry. I didn’t like the hazel grouses on the table, and the jokes at the table ... "

In his suicide notes, Mayakovsky named Lilya Brik and Veronika Polonskaya, as well as his mother and sisters, as members of his family, and asked that the poems be handed over to the Briks.

Alexander Herzen and "three stars"

Alexander Ivanovich Herzen was a Russian poet, philosopher and a man of very free views. In 1838, he married his cousin Natalya Zakharyina, and within seven years Natalya bore him six children, three of whom, however, died almost immediately after birth.

The family leaves for emigration to Paris, where Natalia falls in love with Herzen's close friend, Georg Gerweg. Natalya does not hide her relationship with Herweg and admits that "dissatisfaction, something left unoccupied, abandoned, was looking for a different sympathy and found it in friendship with Herweg." She proposes to her husband a "threesome marriage." However, spiritual, not carnal. Complement the picture of Emma - the wife of Herweg, as well as their children.