I can't completely calm down. I don't see things through No clear goal

Do you enthusiastically grab a new business, but give it up halfway? Or are you unable to complete even an important, interesting, or obligatory task? In any case, read our article, which will tell you what it is: a simple, character trait or a deep psychological problem.

Worthwhile business is not easily and quickly given. Difficulties are the main cause of all unfinished business. Someone throws everything at the first obstacle, and someone gradually loses the strength to fight. “But it can’t apply to all cases, can it?” - you ask. Maybe if it's your mindset.

But this is not the only possible reason. Other factors include:

• Features: extroverts and choleric people are inherently prone to superficial hobbies, work for quantity, not quality. Their arousal response is quick, but they fade just as quickly.
• Awareness of the inconsistency of the case with your nature. You try yourself, look for it - that's great. You may have to try dozens of hobbies and passions before you find yours. But you can not write off any abandoned business in search of yourself.
• You take on too many responsibilities, you do not understand where your responsibilities end and the responsibility of other people begins. Grabbing several things at once, you run the risk of failing in each, leaving them all. Review your activity. Maybe it’s better to figure out one thing first, and then start a new one?
• There is no clear goal and no visible result. You can't get things done if you don't have a clear goal. I want to lose weight - this is not the goal. I want to lose 10 kg in 2 months - that's the goal.
• Weak skills of self-organization, self-control. One, albeit a clear goal, is not enough. We need an equally specific plan with tasks, subtasks and methods for solving them. How I will lose weight: strength training three times a week, cardio every day and proper nutrition. What is included in proper nutrition, what will be the menu? Schedule a menu for each day. And so on. The more specifics, the easier it is for you to move, which means that the chance to complete the work you have begun increases.
• Exaggerated demands, unrealistic goals. I want to lose 10 kg in a week - an unrealistic goal, obviously setting me up for failure. It may be possible with extreme weight loss, but you need healthy methods and lasting results.
• There is no personal interest in the outcome of the case. Even if you have to do something unpleasant, try to find personal meaning, benefit in it. Passion, enthusiasm and creativity will quickly disappear if you do not answer the question "why am I doing this." The problem rarely lies in a lack, more often in a lack of motivation.

But these are not all possible options. Let's look at the problem of backlogs from a position.

Optionality as a consequence of psychotrauma

From the point of view of psychoanalysis, chronic optionality and unfulfillment is a sign of an undeveloped. So the subconscious mind protects you from repeated negative experiences. This is a conflict between the conscious and unconscious parts of the personality.

For example, you constantly miss a deadline for a project at work or, having prepared a great report, refuse to speak. What makes you do this: fear of failure and criticism, low self-confidence, internal attitude to self-punishment and failure. In a person with an internal conflict, an unprocessed trauma, the connections of cause and effect are broken.

Until the case is completed, you feel in control of the situation. Even if at the same time you do nothing to complete what you started, and it hangs over you like a black cloud. Anyway, as long as it's yours. If you finish the job, then from a raw product and process it will turn into a finished product, the result of your efforts, a reflection of skills,. Next to this is a public assessment. You are no longer in control of the situation, you are no longer responsible for people's reactions.

What to do

You are not responsible for people's reactions, but you are responsible for your own reactions. The situation is still under your control. Take on those issues in which you are competent. If you are unsure of something, then tighten up your skills. You must be well versed in what you present to the public, have your own point of view, and be able to argue it. To do this, you need to be well versed in what you have done, understand everything from “a” to “z”.

But the result still needs to be reached. In addition to the advice from the first paragraph of the article, consider the following:

• When choosing a new activity, do not rush to immediately take on the idea. Take it out for a day or two. If interest persists, then there will be more chances to bring this matter to an end, to keep interest in it longer.
• Choose something that brings joy, at least at first looks pleasant. If you need to do something obligatory, but unpleasant, then come up with a system of sanctions and rewards. For a week of fulfilling the plan - a gift (decide in advance which one), for failure to fulfill it - a punishment (also determine in advance). But please, honestly follow the established rules. This will serve as motivation.
• Make a plan with dates and times for completing tasks. This will allow you to observe the pace of work, see intermediate goals, and gradually move towards the full completion of the work.
• Take breaks for a day or two, rewarding yourself for success. At the same time, review what you have already done.
• Feel the result. What it will bring: professional growth, financial benefits, moral satisfaction. If you are waiting, then think about it: is this the problem. Such a goal-result is more like living for others. It is better if the result will be useful for you and will not be associated with the need to get someone's approval, love. You will give it to yourself.

People have been escaping reality and fear of failure for years with optionality. In some cases, only psychotherapy helps. The true reason can be the fear of death, and the fear of parting, and childhood memories of parting with mom (even when going to kindergarten), and memories of bullying, the role of an outcast, or just one failure that traumatized the child's psyche.

They find it difficult to complete the work on time. They can flunk the exam, deciding not to take it, although they prepared well for it. Why is this happening? “Such people live outside of time,” explains Galina Berezovskaya, an analytical psychotherapist. - They act under the influence of the unconscious, which conflicts with the conscious part of their psyche. Something painfully experienced in the past prevents them today from establishing cause-and-effect relationships, being consistent and responsible, but in this way it protects them from negative emotions and strong feelings.

Conflict with reality

Until the project is completed, the thesis is completed, or the report is prepared, it seems that everything is still in our power. The put point means that from this moment on, the business we were busy with is under the scrutiny of other people.

“This situation can provoke an unconscious fear that the result will not be appreciated, and our abilities and dedication to the work will be called into question,” says Galina Berezovskaya. “Negative expectations can be so painful that some of us involuntarily begin to drag out work, easily switching to another.” This gives such people the opportunity to avoid confrontation with reality and protects against disappointment. Until the work is completed, the illusion of one's own omnipotence remains.

“Such situations are especially acute for those who were raised by an imperious mother who controls the smallest details of life,” Galina Berezovskaya clarifies. “Most likely, even as an adult, such a person will need approval, unconditional love and avoid everything that can increase his self-doubt.”

Lack of a clear goal

Having declared that a sharp rise in his career is not far off, a year later he is likely to remain in his previous position. Readily taking on an unbearable load of many things, he again will not be able to complete any of them ... “The reason for this attitude to work is an erroneous understanding of one's duties,” emphasizes coach Segolene Colonna. “Sometimes the employer cannot clearly define where the competence of each employee begins and ends.” As a result, employees are drowning in business.

The best motivation is the feeling of pleasure from what has already been done.

“Passion for an idea, a passionate impulse to complete a certain task easily comes and goes if we do not have a clear idea why we are doing it,” explains the coach. And even the most sincere intention is not embodied in a specific result.

Do not insist that such a person immediately return to the case and explain the reasons why he did not complete it - this will only provoke him to experience his weak character. The best motivation for him is the feeling of pleasure from what has already been done. After all, the reason for his inconsistency is not in the absence of willpower, but in the lack of clarity of vision. Therefore, questions like “Why didn’t you finish what you started again?” should be replaced with those that will push for rational action, say: “What are you planning to do in order to successfully implement what you have planned?”

Fleeing from the fear of death

To bring the work begun to the end means to part with it. Unconscious experiences at such a moment may be consonant with early childhood fears. “Some children are especially keenly aware of the forced separation from their mother or weaning from her breast,” says Galina Berezovskaya. - Deadly horror - so you can define their feeling at this moment. It is imprinted in the unconscious and unexpectedly manifests itself in situations that are associative reminiscent of that first separation.

Personal experience

Anastasia, 26 years old, manager:

“I got into university on the first try. When it came time to pass the session, I began to jitters: I was sure that I would fail the exams. This fear was so strong that I ended up in the hospital. I always studied with pleasure, but every time on the eve of the exam I looked for any opportunity to avoid it. I wrote an interesting dissertation, but I was so horrified by his defense that I had to take an academic leave. Desperation led me to a psychotherapist. The therapy helped me understand that all these years my will was paralyzed by a childhood fear of not being up to par, of feeling like an outcast in my family again. Today, after five months of therapy, I seem to be able to cope with this experience and hope to complete my diploma.”

By delaying the completion of the work, we seem to be performing some kind of maneuver designed to help avoid one of the most difficult experiences.

What to do?

Make a clear plan. Among the many projects, choose the one in which you feel more competent. Determine its stages and the time required to implement each. Realistically assessing your strengths, you will maintain inner balance, solving the problem.

Move towards the goal gradually. The pace of work slows down when the enthusiasm with which you start a new business fades. A calendar with marked end dates for each stage will help you use your working time more wisely. Referring to it, you can adjust the rhythm of work.

Submit the result. Ask yourself: what will change in my life when I complete this task? Will I receive material rewards, satisfaction from what I have done, or will I feel professionally successful? The answers will help you focus on your goal.

Give yourself gifts. To cope with apathy and complete the work that you are busy with, small prizes will help. For example, give yourself two days off so you can take stock and set your next goal.

Tatjana Podze

Hello! In January, she gave birth to a second baby, but we had to go through many difficulties. Unfortunately, the maternity hospital did not review the tests, did not pay attention to my complaints and the condition of the child, and as a result, terrible convulsive seizures began at home. Everything happened in front of my eyes, of course. The premonition that the baby is ill was already from the very moment of his birth - this is a feeling of deepest anxiety, which is felt even physically. I couldn’t eat, drink, or sit, let alone my condition, when we were urgently sent to intensive care and so on. The baby was diagnosed with meningoencephalitis, no one gave any predictions, but in spite of everything and everything, the baby survived and, moreover, is developing perfectly (t-t-t). On February 1, we were discharged, but after what I saw (convulsions), I can’t calmly look at him. As long as it's daylight, everything is fine. As soon as it gets dark, I'm on my guard. Encephalography showed that there is no epiphone; and convulsions went away with the disease, but I'm always on the alert. Any new movement of his causes in me a numbing fear, to a pulsation in my temples. A little earlier, I experienced panic attacks, after which I was shaking for a long time, my head hurt. I understand everything with my mind, I know what to do, how and what it looks like, but morally I can’t completely calm myself down, even though I have already done a lot of work on myself and sometimes even began to enjoy motherhood in general (initially it disappeared altogether and there was only a thought Why do I need all this? How else can I influence myself? I am breastfeeding, so there can be no talk of drug treatment ...

Good afternoon, Tatyana! You have experienced a difficult situation not only for the child, but also for you, so the described condition fits perfectly into the picture observed after a serious psychological trauma. There is no situation worse than a threat to the life of a child for a mother. In addition, physically you have not yet grown stronger after childbirth. In addition, until this time you have already encountered, you may have received medical support. Therefore, the reactions of your body, most likely, occur according to the familiar scenario of panic attacks, only the reason has now changed. It's good that you are working on yourself, but perhaps you should consider getting help. To begin with, take a small notebook, which should always be with you, and every time, without exception, when the child's behavior begins to cause fear, take a pen and record the time, what is happening, what worries you. These conditions do not go away right away, you will need time and patience. If you would like to make an appointment for a consultation, write, I will be happy to help - [email protected] Svetlana.