I met my first love for 20 years without seeing each other. Why are we looking for first love again

• September 9, 2018
• Relationship psychology
• Epifantseva Anna

What if you met your first love after many years? In everyone's life there is a story that is remembered brighter than the rest. Memories of that person overshadow all subsequent ones, no matter how vivid emotions are experienced after. It was like he gave something that no one else could give. He is drawn to him at the slightest recollection of those events, and if you meet your first love in years, a real storm of emotions, mixed with curiosity, covers him. How to do it here?

The first steps

Many perceive this topic quite sharply. At the subconscious level, you are drawn to plunge into the past history, meet your first love and fall in love again. How to proceed? It is possible that both sides already have families with children. What to do in this case - psychologists will answer. And, of course, it all depends on the specific situation.

Perfect Look

First of all, you should be aware of one thing. Once you communicated with this person, and then broke up. And there was a reason why it happened. Why did it happen so? Probably, circumstances interfered - moving, different plans for the future. Maybe you yourself for some reason interrupted communication. And, perhaps, the object of sighing did not want to continue. But there is only one conclusion from this situation: if a person burns with love, he always takes a thousand steps to be together, turns the world upside down. And this thought should sober up from the surging fantasies. The peculiarity of the psychology of a lover is such that there are no and cannot be any barriers for the one who loves: people destroy entire families and change cities in order to achieve reunion with their soulmate. Therefore, you need to understand that since you didn’t do everything possible, maybe you didn’t want to? There was a reason that held back from reuniting with this person, probably intuition did not deceive. If you now resume communication, these features will appear again. If that side did not want communication, then does it make sense to dwell on one thing in order to suffer forever? A person who once left will again discover the reason why he left. In this state, it will be easier to make a decision.

Causes

Psychologists say that the importance of the first strong love is high. She tends to grow into a veil over time, full of thoughts: “I would be happy with him. If only I could go back and fix everything!”. It may seem that one like him will never be found again. This is due to idealization, usually there is nothing real behind this idea. This is the most common phenomenon that every person faces. Your case is not unique. In fact, these are the thoughts of a child. If you do not continue to think like that, then you become very happy with others. After all, you are the master of your thoughts, and they are not yours? If this is a problem, watch your thoughts: what were you thinking about a moment ago? Now take any new thought that wasn't in your head and just think about it. You will notice that it will begin to appear among your thoughts. This proves that you yourself can control what flies through your thoughts, if, of course, you want it.

First love can happen at 12, 18, 22, and sometimes even at 40. During it, a person acquires a unique experience, he discovers hitherto unknown emotions. Everything is seen in a completely different light. This experience affects all further communication with the opposite sex. If the parting went peacefully, there were no mutual grievances, then this positive sediment will pass to the next relationship. When a lot of pain and dissatisfaction remains, a person experiences suffering, he begins to try to find compensation in other people.

From a psychological point of view, the first serious feelings are a real personal test. The personality will “line up” in accordance with the peculiarities of experiencing the given situation. Like any strong surge that unbalances a person, love destroys the former personality, and which one will then be built depends only on the lover himself. The irresponsibility or absurdity of parting sometimes turns into trauma and a great insult to people. Such a train sometimes reaches for a person, always serving as a reminder that he missed something important. And thoughts come that the hope for happiness is lost forever. But this is the purest illusion. And there is not a single person who has not broken firewood in the past.

Little love

There is no situation that would not depend on you. If a person has built his life successfully, then the first feelings will be a pleasant memory and nothing more. New emotions received in the current personal life will come to the fore. And for someone, a meeting with their first love after many years will be an occasion to reconsider their life, to ask themselves the question: “Am I really happy now?”. If you are strongly drawn to what is gone, perhaps something in your current lifestyle needs to be changed. As a rule, in such cases, the temptation to meet the first love after many years becomes very great. If at the same time both people are free and readily surrender to the power of feelings, this is ideal. Be sure to plunge headlong into this pool! But the situation will be different when there is a choice - to destroy your family or not.

Married but met first love

Features of choice vary greatly depending on gender and experience. Psychologists say that when a man met his first love, surrendered to her power, he will strive to return to his family, while keeping emotions on the side. Often, public morality is stricter towards women, and they, committing the same acts, can be tormented by this. Based on psychological practice, this is characteristic of them all the more than they are younger.

A self-restrained representative of the fair sex, who endured a lot for the sake of her family, often discovers with age that no one needed it, that men are much more selfish in this matter, and the guy, having met his first love, will be less tormented by betrayal. Usually, upon reaching the age of 40, a woman begins to live for herself and, having met her first love again, rushes into the arms of emotions and does not avoid betrayal. This is a very common case in the practice of psychologists. After looking at these cases, isn't it better to draw conclusions for yourself and not wait a few more years to live the way you want?

With a good family, quality relationships, and strong love for her husband, a woman will not be drawn to another. If this arose, is it likely that your husband is not the best man in your life? The instinctive program of any woman is such that she is always looking for the best, she will not be happy until the strongest is next to her. If she realized that there was a weakling next to her, she often begins to persuade herself, tries to negotiate with herself in order to leave everything as it is. Even instills a love for him. This is because women have been trained for years to adapt and endure. But it does not bring them happiness.

When that very strong man meets on her way, she falls into his arms. That is her nature. And there are a lot of such cases in the practice of any psychologist. Shouldn't you admit the truth to yourself and go towards your desires, getting rid of weaklings? Even if the truth entails the upheaval of a lifetime? Everyone makes a choice.

The man is married and met her

As for men, after many years of meeting their first love and surrendering to feelings, most often in the depths of their souls they remember that they have a family. Getting on two scales an even life with loved ones and a mistress on the other, they continue to balance, but they are in no hurry to leave their wife. Comfort in the family, and the presence of new feelings on the side only awakens in them the personality of a lover, which brings spice to relationships with women. If your husband met his first love, you should not expect that he will want to exchange his family for her just like that. A strong family cannot be destroyed from the outside. If she is falling apart due to seemingly external forces, this is not so: it means that everything was no longer so good in her, and a crack has long been laid in the relationship between the spouses.

Therefore, the situation is somewhat different when he is already experiencing discomfort in the family and is thinking about leaving. If such a husband met his first love, it may turn out to be the impetus after which he will take this step.

Sometimes it can be difficult to meet that woman from a young age because of the fear of competing with her current lover, who may be better than you. But everything is only in your hands. And for sure, if you feel a strong love, you will not ask such a question. You just go to break barriers.

Emotions

However, sometimes emotions just get in the way of life. Sometimes you can understand with your mind that a person is not suitable, but feel feelings for him. There is only one way out: take a deep breath and announce that you are leaving. Enjoy yourself in this moment of taking a strong and decisive step. A week of black emptiness, provided that all contact with a person is cut off, will result in a feeling of deep self-respect, which will then manifest itself in new successes on the personal front. And most importantly - there will be inner freedom to leave the relationship at any time, whatever they may be. The realization that he has the power to get away from anyone, at any time, makes a person self-sufficient and damn attractive. Isn't that a fine price to pay for that pain?

Well, where we do not

The human need for love is very deep. When he is filled with someone else's love, he cannot help but love himself. And this is the whole source of his strength, energy, this is a support for life. When she is not there, he languishes. This is a great danger, a direct indication that it is time to change something in life. It is often in this state, after many years having met the first love, that a person gets stuck in memories of the past for many years. Forgetting that the past has already died and is no more. Why does someone remember the same love line for years and replay it in their head? There is only one reason: insufficient brightness of the current life, disorder on the personal front. Even while continuing to be married, a person can be unhappy and dream about missed opportunities, past delights. Certainly, it will seem to him that that pie in the sky was the best thing that happened to him. If it turns out that this is the case, then this means that this is the best time to turn everything around.

Feelings won't be the same

Sometimes a meeting with an ideal image of the past confirms one fact: you can’t catch the wind. It happens that, having met your first love in 20 years, you realize that feelings will not be the same.

And everything is really like this: whoever tries to return the past catches the wind. Like before, it won't happen again. In the practice of psychologists, there are cases when a person is simply disappointed in former love. Looking at this ideal image, which has already changed over the years, a person experiences sadness. According to old memory, he is still drawn to him, but that frenzied passion is fading a trace.

Meeting after many years the first love, you go to that young person, but a completely different picture appears before your eyes.

Comparing the nearby husband with that lofty image of the guy from the past, you will always find at least one reason for losing a real partner in a competition with an ideal hero. After all, the second was not petty annoyed because of the charred potatoes, did not come up with a proposal to cast lots, who would go for a walk with the dog. This is an imperfect person with his own shortcomings. But at that wonderful time, a person loved and was loved at the behest of inexperienced hearts. Therefore, the first feelings are charming, tender and so especially pure. And this is also the past. Having met your first love after 20 years, you see “déjà vu”, which has a different taste. Maybe it's better to keep warm memories of good moments in your head? Let them remain that beautiful and untouched fairy tale that they once had a chance to create. Wouldn't it be more effective than, having met your first love, bitterly noticing that it is not as fresh as you would like?

Why are we looking for her?

The desire to relive what happened in the past can overtake anyone. One day, the question may appear in my head: “Where to meet first love?”. Is it helpful?

The thing is that the first feelings are part of the life history of the individual. With the return to adolescence, a person is looking for a source of unspent energy.

Such a return confirms the viability: sometimes you need to understand that the choice was made correctly, and the relationship was completed for the better. When a long-tormented question is closed, a person is inspired to build new relationships in the present.

The search for first love is always nostalgia for a bygone romantic time. Many, plunging into the whirlpool of past feelings, revive in themselves that bright personality who knew that the whole world was up to her, who was waiting for an incredible future.

Only with the development of the first relationship, the idealized image of a lover is replaced by a real person. Usually the question “Where can I meet first love?” are asked by those who did not have time to sufficiently know each other.

Psychologists believe that in any case, the search for this person from the past is directed at himself. On a subconscious level, a person wants to return to a time when, as it seems to him, he was stronger and cleaner. This indicates that now his "I" is not realized.

express

Sometimes those who feel that their "gestalt has not been closed" want to meet their first love. That is, questions remained unanswered, there was no sense of completeness from those episodes.

Often this is most acutely felt when the relationship ended due to the influence of an external force with which the couple did not begin to fight. This could be due to parental pressure in youth, moving, or public opinion.

At a deep subconscious level, a person identifies this story with the relationship of Romeo and Juliet, forbidden feelings. They are actively cultivated everywhere.

Call

Sometimes the search for first love serves as a cry for help to the person who was once close. A person may still experience the pain caused by that breakup, and if everything is bad in his current life situation, he can strive for that source of pleasure, purity, thus striving to perk up again.

Second chance

Sometimes, having gone a long way in his life, having changed a lot in the course of personal crises, a person wants to find some support in the past. If he wants to meet his first love, the advice of psychologists will be unambiguous: you need to understand why he is drawn to a safe territory, where everything has already been studied instead of new unexplored distances.

The acquisition of those feelings regenerates a person again, it may seem that a recipe for eternal youth has been found. In search of them, the one who has everything already arranged in life can go. It would seem that everything is there: why look for first love? For the fountain of youth!

Women's aspiration

Often, female representatives seek to meet that guy from the past, experiencing cravings to get away from the daily routine, where, within the framework of traditional roles of a wife and mother, they become too bored and cramped.

They go into dreams of those relationships where there were no these burdensome obligations, and everything was light and airy, like aerated chocolate.

Any person likes to feel that there is in life that support to which he can always return. But if he is always mentally in the past, lives in memories, then this is direct evidence that he is afraid of the present and the future. He is trying to escape reality into his illusions.

Update

Even having met your first love in a photo during searches on social networks, you can be disappointed. It can be like walking down the block from youth. It becomes clear how much the image deposited in the head differs from the real situation. Even if he remains in the heart, then a person will leave less space for him.

Sometimes a meeting with the object of the first feelings can turn into a startling discovery: the current partner is a real soulmate.

Psychologists advise: if there is a desire to meet that person from the past, with whom a lot of good things are connected, it is worth bringing it to life. This experience is always useful and in itself cannot destroy anything. It will become an indicator of what is happening in the present. It will show the sincerity of feelings in the current relationship, highlight those moments that need correction, or confirm that everything is fine in the present.

Loss of illusions is extremely useful for further development. It will open the door to a new world in which a person will find himself.

Love

Sometimes you can understand that it is that person who is the most true love. This also happens. In this case, you will need to take a number of actions to make sure that this second half wants to continue. After all, she may not have a clue that feelings have flared up in you, she may not want to return everything and start over, she may not want to live in the past.

One of the most striking situations is when a girl marries someone she does not love. Only because he will be a good husband and father.

And then, against this background, the very man with whom she feels a strong connection appears. She met her first love many years later. Probably, over the years, he has only become better, more successful and more attractive. It doesn't matter where he appeared or why. In the memories, all the best joint moments immediately flashed, reflections of those vivid emotions that we managed to experience together. At the same time, good moments come through brighter, and all the bad things are thrown aside: this is the property of the human psyche.

And it can not help climbing into the head, sometimes constantly pursuing. There are more and more thoughts about him. And now - it can no longer be shaken out of the everyday thought stream! The question arises: what to do, have you met such a past love?

Being in a relationship with another and experiencing such a bright palette of emotions from the living personification of your past, it is worth understanding yourself, remembering the reasons for breaking up with such a wonderful person. There was probably a reason, and not so insignificant, since the relationship was terminated. This is where you need to pay the most attention. Scroll in your head all the difficulties that arose in the course of communication. After all, the deepest essence of people still never changes. Only a few in the course of life change dramatically, and this is hardly the same unique case. If this romance continues now, then again all the sharp corners will come to the surface, and this will be a repetition of the same steps. And why repeat yourself when you can build a new beautiful love story with another, someone who matches your values?

But if the gut unambiguously repeats in favor of the resumption of relations, there will be a last line of defense. We need to ask ourselves if this is really love or just a storm of passions that was caused by one memory of what was and gone? Perhaps it's just nostalgia. But even so, there is nothing reprehensible in this. Feel free to plunge into the feeling where the soul calls. It is always a pleasant and positive experience. You should not take this too seriously, because it is likely that, having approached a person, you will realize that you no longer want to continue. But this experience is necessary, it will bring pleasant emotions. Without taking a step towards the surging feelings, you can be left with a long regret for life about what was not done. According to psychological research conducted in hospices, this is what dying people most often regret: that they never took the risk.

Conclusion

If people loved more desperately, maybe there would be fewer unfortunate eyes on the streets? You should always remember that if you wish, a person can turn any situation upside down. When meeting with the first love after many years, everything will depend only on him. There are a lot of options, and perhaps everything that has ever been done by people.

Probably many at the age of 15 had some kind of unrequited love.
A sort of slightly arrogant, hard-to-reach girl, for whom he sighed furtively. And who, of course, preferred someone else. Well, etc.
And now, all of you in the throes of your heart, secretly wished she would meet you later, after many years, everything so successful, held, in good physical shape, and she will tear her hair out in disappointment at the broken trough of her own personal life, withered, shapeless female carcass. And she will understand how wrong she was then! In 10/11 grade.

This is how you think when you are 15 years old. Over the years, when you remember your youth, you sometimes think what happened to it. And you smile at your long-standing experiences and dreams of sweet "revenge" when you meet. And again you forget about her and about the other hobbies of youth.

20 years have passed. And now fate brought you not to the railway station. No, don’t worry, everything is OK with you - you didn’t pluck the stars from the sky, but there is a good job, the leasing period of the corporate car has come to an end and you have already handed it over, and while your new “wheels” are being prepared by the dealer’s salon for transfer, you, after years of the regime house-car-office-car-home, "came out to the people" - for several days you ride public transport. And suddenly you see her. The same girl from my youth. And you can't believe your eyes.

girl? Wallet! A shapeless body in cheap rags, through which no hint of at least some femininity is visible. A hunched back, disheveled hair that has not been dyed for a long time, dull eyes, shopping bags in untidy hands and ... you have only one thought in your head - if only she would not recognize you! What for? For what? Fuck me!

You watch with relief as she gets on a train that is not yours and... forget about this meeting for a few days!

And only a week later you startle "hey! it was her! do you really care ?!" And to your surprise you realize that yes - you experience absolute indifference. How so? You start to delve into yourself - maybe something is wrong with me? Is the old cynic soldier really so hardened? Nothing? Do you feel nothing? No, there is still something. Somewhere deep in the backyard. Slight carelessness. And pity. Not her. Myself. That 15 year old. Selfishness? Maybe.

Ladies will say - cattle! What do you know about her, what do you judge by her appearance! Maybe she is a single mother with three children, works 3 jobs so that they grow up to be people and at least they have a better life than hers! Look at you, freak! You are lucky, so at least do not scoff at someone else's misfortune!

Maybe so. Yes, still don't care.

And yet, one annoying self-satisfied little thought does not go out of my head - Your mother! How right I was then in my 15 years ...

After graduation, I worked in a design organization. The team is small and friendly. Relations within the team are warm and trusting. This organization had a sponsored camp site. In the autumn, at the end of the "holiday" season, it was necessary to prepare the territory and houses for the winter: put the bedding in the warehouse, dig up the trees, plant new ones. And who will be sent to do this work? Of course, young, single, not burdened with family problems and worries. There were four of us: two guys from the architectural department and we were two girls from the instrumentation department. We were told that we would work all day, so that they would take food with us and tell us the place where the "service bus" would pick us up from.
In the morning, as if we were going to work, we came to the bus stop, but there were men and women we did not know, not from our organization. We looked at each other in surprise, but there was still no choice. Tamara and I, that was the name of my colleague, sat on a double seat so that someone else would not sit next to us. When we were driving around the city, Tomka and I chatted quietly, and then we began to look out the window with curiosity, since the nature was beautiful, the camp site was located in the reserve.
Those who arrived were met by the deputy director of the hostel for the household part and immediately began to explain what we had to do.
"You arrived for one day, and the amount of work is large. So, I ask you not to idle, but to work with a twinkle."
Tomka and I were sent to collect bedding in the houses and gave us a heavy cart, like the loaders at the airport, we had to take things to the warehouse on it. an electrician and several men from the landscaping department who were assigned to plant trees.
We went to the first house. We go chatting, we have fun, the fresh air is much better than in stuffy rooms. We go in, and some uncle works there, repairs the nightstand. Tomka was 32 years old, I was 22 and he seemed to both of us so "adult", maybe because of his mustache and dark skin. We looked at each other, and the uncle says:
"Come in, beauties, don't be afraid, I won't eat you."
We began to collect linen and roll up mattresses. We couldn’t cope with mattresses and, seeing how we were floundering, but we couldn’t roll, the uncle volunteered to help us. Of course, he deftly rolled up and tied all six pieces, along with linen, loaded them on the trolley and said with a grin:
"Well, then I hope you can handle it!"
The uncle somehow looked at me carefully, his eyes were black, scary, and I felt uneasy. I went outside to the cart. Tomka and I had two pigals: each 150 cm tall and 50 kg each. And when I saw a mountain of mattresses on a cart, and it was heavy in itself, we barely drove it to the house, I understood the mocking tone and look of the uncle. Tomka came out to help me, but the two of us could not even move this damned cart. An uncle appeared at the door of the house. He looked at our attempts, laughed frankly, and then said:
"Okay, I'll help you again. You, pointing to Tamara, remain guarding the house, and we, pointing to me, will take and hand over to the warehouse."
He again, somehow with a squint, looked at me, winked, which made me feel embarrassed, as if I had been undressed in public, deftly took the cart and went towards the warehouse.
I walked beside. Suddenly he says to me:
"Who helps whom? Let's carry the cart too."
I grabbed the handle with one hand, but there was no room for the other: the uncle spread his arms wide and only slightly moved his hand so that I could take it. I didn’t even have time to really grab the cart with my hand, when the uncle’s strong, strong, tanned hand lay on my hand. I was "swept with current." I tried to free my hand, but the uncle says with a grin:
“Don’t flutter, you won’t escape from my hands. I won’t do anything bad to you, I just liked you very much. I’m 38 years old, I was married, but I look at you and everything trembles inside.
He let go of my hand, I silently walked beside me, my legs were tangled, everything dried up in my mouth, my body was fettered by animal fear. I was afraid because we had to go into the warehouse, and suddenly there would be no one there. The doors of the warehouse were open, the uncle brought the cart and began to unload it. I stood aside. He sometimes glanced at me with his black eyes, in which, it seemed to me, a hellish fire was burning, he smiled slyly, winked. When he unloaded and drove past me, he picked me up in his arms, held me for a minute, and then put me down and said:
"Are you still a girl? Your body immediately tensed with fear, it did not yet know men's hands!"
I shed tears and I ran to Tomka. I sat on the bed, told her what happened and I was shaking all over.
Suddenly, the uncle enters the house. I looked at him with fear, with a plea for help to Tomka, and he quietly says:
"Tom, please come out, I need to talk to her!"
Tomka got up, but after a little delay, she answered that she would be standing outside the door. If anything, she won't let me offend! Only Tomka disappeared behind the door, the uncle knelt in front of me, took my hands in his and began to kiss them, each finger separately. He looked at me with a hypnotic gaze, whispered declarations of love to me, kissed my knees. And although I was in tight trousers from a tracksuit, I felt the touch of his hot lips. Chills pounded me. And when I saw that his eyes were somehow clouded, I sharply pushed him away with my feet and ran out of the house. She quickly answered Tomkin's questioning look that everything was fine, and together with her we hurried to leave.
We no longer wanted to work in the houses, but went to help plant trees. At the end of the working day, the bus came for us. Tomka and I sat down in our seats and calmed down, but suddenly an uncle got on the bus and, going up to Tomka, asked her to move to another seat. He sat very close to me, so that I felt, through his trousers, the warmth of his legs. I was overwhelmed again. It had such a strange effect on me: I lost my will, like a rabbit in front of a boa constrictor. Probably the age difference, 16 years, and his life experience overwhelmed me. He began to ask for my phone number, said that now he would not be able to live in peace, again spoke about his feelings for me. I didn’t listen to him or hear him, I just wanted to come home as soon as possible and forget this day like a nightmare.
20 years have passed. I am a mature, married, confident woman. I already calmly reacted to men's views, their compliments. I could easily joke with them, sometimes flirt. I knew my worth: I was a self-sufficient, successful woman. By that time I was in a managerial position, participated in meetings that were mostly men, and I felt quite comfortable in their company. Leaders from other departments were invited to one of the construction meetings. When I entered the meeting room, I noticed a man who had not previously been invited. And it was the same uncle!
He stood out from the crowd. Time has not changed him much: the same mustache, swarthyness, the same burning look and the same confidence in posture and manner of speaking. What scared me at the age of 22, now I liked it, and I did not feel the difference in age. He also saw me and immediately walked towards me. The first thing he said was, do not say hello, but: "How would I squeeze you in my arms now! I have loved you all these years!" Inside, I was shivering again, as then, but now I already knew how to cope with feelings and emotions. Now I squinted my sly eyes and say: “Did they really live in the monastery all 20 years?” That’s what age and experience mean, I thought, I can now talk with him on an equal footing! His eyes still hypnotized me, but this is already I didn’t scare, I knew how to read a man’s eyes, I knew what this or that look means! How good it is to be experienced and mature, I thought!
After the meeting, we went to my office. As soon as the door closed, he impulsively hugged me, pressed his lips to my cheek and suddenly said:
"I remember that your body, petrified in my hands from fear, and now: you have become a woman: beautiful, smart, self-confident! Your body says that you are happy, calm, satisfied! You know what it is to love and be loved !"
"Yes, that's right!
I pulled away, we sat opposite each other and just talked. Suddenly he says:
“I’m finishing building my bath and I want to invite you to the opening. I beg you, respect! If you don’t want, nothing will happen! I just want to be with you, admire you, breathe in the smell of your hair, I want to look into your eyes and kiss your fingers, like then! This is my last wish, do not forget that I am much older than you! Reward me for love all these 20 years!"
I, knowing that I certainly won’t go to any bathhouse, I’m a decent married woman, decided to joke and say:
"Ah, there wasn't! Finish building and invite! Given your age, and my age, why should we be afraid!"
He took my joke seriously and went, apparently to finish building it. A couple of months passed and suddenly he calls and "regretfully" reports that the bathhouse has burned down. I decided to check the boiler, something shorted out, there was no fire and no bath! I laughed frankly into the phone and said:
"Well, it's not fate for us to sin, but I was already tuned in!"
Men, with age, perceive the words of a woman literally. He replied:
"Don't worry, I'll build a new one! I'll move mountains for you!"
"Yes, you can build something, but will I then want to" wash "?
He felt guilty that the date had fallen through. True, he called often, but he no longer invited me to the bathhouse. Apparently he understood that I was joking.

• Find support in the past. First love is part of our personal history. Returning to youth, we are looking for a source of unspent forces.
• Confirm your worth. It is important for us to make sure that our life choices are correct and to end relationships that have not been continued. Parting with the ideal images of the past, we can build new relationships in real circumstances.

In response to the question “Would you like to meet your first love again?” we are unlikely to specify who we are talking about. For each of us behind this phrase is a specific person.

What drives us when we try to track down his tracks? What do we lack in the present if we readily plunge into the past? What do we expect from meeting a person with whom we broke up 10, 20, 30 years ago?

Back to yourself

39-year-old Tatyana found a forum where her classmates talked, and among them - her first lover.

“We broke up in the middle of the 9th grade: my family moved to another city. For a long time I could not decide to write to the forum, and then I was very worried, waiting: will Victor answer or not? He answered, and now we correspond ten times a day, we can't talk enough. It seems that we have again become as naive and sincere as we were 25 years ago.”

The search for first love is nostalgia for the era of innocence, romanticism, brightness of emotions

For many, first love symbolizes a moment in life when we felt empowered and the future seemed so promising. The search for first love is nostalgia for the era of innocence, romanticism, brightness of emotions.

“For the first time blinded by love, we are spontaneous, we are attracted by internal impulses and desires,” says Olga Dolgopolova, a Gestalt therapist. - We create an ideal image, in fact, projecting our desires and needs onto a specific person. We expect from him what we lack in life: understanding, tenderness, support, sexuality ... "

If the relationship of young people develops, then the ideal romantic image gradually gives way to a real person. Years later, first love is often sought by those who could not or did not have enough time to get to know each other.

“But even in this case, our feelings are directed rather not to another, but to ourselves,” says psychologist-consultant Boris Masterov. - We unconsciously strive to be in the past - in the time when, as it seems to us, we were better, cleaner and full of joyful hopes. And often behind this is the desire to return to your unrealized "I".

express the unsaid

Those who go in search of their first love often say that they are also attracted by the feeling of understatement, incompleteness of the relationship.

This is especially acute if the relationship ended due to external circumstances that the lovers at that time did not have the strength to fight. Parental pressure, moving, public opinion…

“Unconsciously, identification arises with fairy-tale-mythological couples, literary heroes: Romeo and Juliet, Tristan and Isolde, those whose love was forbidden, impossible due to external circumstances,” says psychotherapist Alexander Badkhen. “Early romantic relationships are also idealized in culture: poetry, music, literature, cinema.”

The search for first love is a call for help to someone who was once dear to us.

The feeling of incompleteness gives rise to an internal protest and a desire to find your first love, to "close the topic."

This is confirmed by 28-year-old Anna: “We broke up because his parents strongly objected to our meetings. For a long time I could not believe that he chose them, and not me ... Now I would like to see the person who was my first love, so that he sees me and understands how wrong he was. Well, at the same time make sure that he is indifferent to me.

Get a second chance

When we experience success, when our quality of life changes, or when we go through an identity crisis, we need to feel something unchanging, permanent. In order to maintain our identity, we seek support in the past.

“We are returning to ‘familiar territory’ because the old relationship is always safer than meeting a new person. The search for first love is a call for help to someone who was once dear to us,” explains Alexander Badchen.

“The easiest way is to go where it was once good. And the first love, if it was not associated with humiliation, is a very positive feeling, ”Boris Masterov agrees.

Newfound love gives many a feeling of rebirth, as if they have found a recipe for eternal youth.

In search of first love, those of us who have taken place in different areas of life most often go: those who have a family, children, promising work ... What do we lack?

Returning your first love is like throwing decades off your shoulders, feeling young and full of strength again.

Svetlana gave birth to a son at the age of 20, Sergey was her first lover, but he refused to marry and disappeared from her life.

“When my son was supposed to return from the army, I gathered my courage and called Sergey. We met, and a week later we realized that we cannot live without each other. Now we are together. It's like I'm back in my 20s, I've lost weight, I go in for sports... I'm absolutely happy. I have not yet told my son, but I believe that he will understand me. I wish every woman at the age of 40 the same beautiful and strong love as in her youth, you just need to step over the offense and learn to be happy in the present.

Newfound love gives many a feeling of rebirth, as if they have found a recipe for eternal youth.

female interest

Why are women more likely to go in search of their first love? Dreams allow them to distance themselves from everyday everyday worries, where day after day they need to play the role of a good wife and caring mother. They often dream of their first adult relationship, which was not yet weighed down by adult responsibilities.

“It is important for a woman to feel that there is something permanent in her life that does not change with age, that can be experienced and felt again,” says Olga Dolgopolova. “But if a woman constantly thinks about the past and strives to live in memories, this suggests that she is afraid to look ahead and avoids reality.”

Anton Lazarev

Find a point of reference

For each of us, the first love experience is one of the most important events in life. This is the end of childhood, the first departure from the family circle, a step into adulthood.

“First love, first meeting - this event changes every person,” says Boris Masterov. We feel that we are no longer what we were before. To some extent, this is a choice and a test of your path. Indeed, to one degree or another, all subsequent love relationships develop in accordance with the first love.

Alexander, 38, married a woman who once had an affair with a foreign student. The couple broke up: he left for his homeland, and she did not dare to radically change her life.

“Milena tells me about this story as if she had lived through it, but I see that the story is not really finished. I don't want my wife to forget her first love - I think that feeling gives new light and warmth to our relationship. I’m even sure that if it wasn’t for this novel, she wouldn’t have chosen me.”

“The way we treat each other, how we touch, how we make love, what we say - all this is somehow connected with the experience of first love,” explains Boris Masterov. “We either take this model of relationships and partially reproduce it in the following love experiences, or build on it, build something completely opposite to a bad experience.”

Road to renewal

Sometimes meeting your first lover can be disappointing.

“It is similar to the feeling that we experience when returning to the city or quarter where our youth passed. Once there, you suddenly notice how much reality differs from the image that has been preserved in our memory, - says Alexander Badkhen. “He may still be the one and only, but he takes up less space in the soul than before.”

Even if we again face what once pushed us away, this experience will still be useful.

This is confirmed by 39-year-old Evgenia: “It was enough for me to hear his “hello!” on the phone. - and the world blossomed with new colors. I knew his voice so well. Then we met again ... and the charm was lost.

43-year-old Ilya says: “I confess, when we met Masha after 20 years of separation, my heart was almost torn to pieces: we still love the same books, films, admire the same people ... But, when I realized that we could start all over again, I realized that with all my “coincidence” with Masha, I really love the woman who gave birth to my children.

If there is a desire to meet a person with whom all the best and brightest things in the past are connected, you need to meet. Even if we again encounter what once pushed us away, this experience will still be useful.

“This is how we see a person as a whole and part with his ideal image,” says Olga Dolgopolova. - But at the same time, we have the opportunity to start building new relationships, not necessarily love ones. We can enjoy communicating with each other in real circumstances.”

The experience of searching and returning is always valuable, even if it is associated with the loss of illusions.

There are memories that stay with us for a lifetime. The way we build our families is largely determined by early relationships - with parents, close people.

“They have a psychological “reference point,” adds Alexander Badkhen. - Our first love is the continuation of these relations, their reconstruction, the first independent attempt to recreate them. This is its special psychological value. This experience remains in the hidden place of our soul, accessible to us all our lives, and we never lose sight of it.

The experience of searching and returning is always valuable, even if it is associated with the loss of illusions. We need it in order to better understand ourselves and live on.

Men prefer new

Men are less likely to seek their first love, but don't blame them for being less sensitive than women.

“Men are more focused on meeting immediate needs,” explains Olga Dolgopolova. - They want to experience emotions, show interest, realize sexuality immediately, without delay. If a man dreams of something, then rather not about relationships, but about social success, career take-off; his fantasies are in the outside world.

Representatives of the strong half of humanity love the experiences and feelings that a woman evokes in them. In addition, a return to youthful passion can significantly complicate their lives: a man may feel at a disadvantage in relation to the current partner of his beloved. And such rivalry is useless to him. So men would rather look for new relationships than look back.”

I dedicate this publication to some aspects of the restoration of relations, when former partners meet many years after the breakup.

As usual, I want to anticipate questions and comments: “But it was not so with me ...”, “And if ...”, etc. I do not set myself the task of describing exactly YOUR story, and I do not try to guess what it was in reality. This article is only a generalization, based on which you may draw the right conclusions and correctly assess your own unique situation.

How does it happen…

Such meetings (after many years) can happen for various reasons: one of you both decided to get in touch himself (called or wrote); you met by chance (on the street, at an event, at work, etc.)

It seems that everything is already forgotten and you did not count on such contact. Do you have a permanent partner or your own family, children, or are you still alone and put an end to yourself for a long time, but now, you saw him, and you seemed to be pierced by lightning. You can't even determine what's really going on, but something is irresistibly pulling you towards this old love. Old grievances and misunderstandings are forgotten, you are a woman already wise by life experience and everything that used to seem important, those principles that you so fiercely defended in your youth, now seem petty against the backdrop of a great all-consuming feeling that you once sacrificed for the sake of these principles. The former partner also shows genuine interest in you, you communicate with him beautifully and kindly, mentally plunging deeper and deeper into the pleasant memories of the distant, and only now appreciated by you, such a contradictory, but beautiful past ...

Of course, not always a meeting after a “long-term pause” will look exactly as I described. Much depends on how the relationship was, how long, harmonious, what brought more - joy or pain, how difficult and painful the breakup was. We will not delve into such subtleties and start from the moment when contact between former partners is established and communication is pleasant for both parties.

The first dialogues are, as a rule, cautious. You are afraid to devote the guy to the details of your personal life and, in turn, are afraid to ask such questions to your counterpart. He behaves exactly the same. This fear is dictated by the reluctance to break the established fragile connection, you just feel good together and that's enough for now. That is why you try to be as correct as possible with each other. The topics of your conversations, at first limited to general questions like "how are you?", to which both of you answer without details, move relatively quickly to shared memories that are pleasant for both of you.

And now, you already get the impression that this guy is “your man” and only him - the only one, you have been waiting for all your life, and this new meeting is nothing but a “gift of fate” and “means something”.

Usually, you, as a woman who is much more curious than men, begin to find out, through ingenious tricks, how your ex feels about you. You “almost love him already”, and he you? In the course are references to poems, songs and paintings with a very unambiguous content. You are trying to figure out what wave your ex-boyfriend is on, and if he feels about you, at least approximately, the same way that you feel. You want to convey your mood and feelings to him, but in such a way that, on the one hand, you do not frighten him away, and on the other, leaving yourself a path to retreat if he does not accept your “messages”.

But a “miracle” happens - he accepts the format of communication you propose and also begins to respond with links to songs and poems. It is practically guaranteed that somewhere at this stage (or earlier) you will return in conversations by the time the relationship broke up, already calmly find out everything and express a completely different point of view on the reasons that separated you. Most likely, this conversation will end with “drawing a line” under past disagreements, conflicts and end with reconciliation, since you are already different and he is also different, and, as it turned out, many years later, to mutual pleasure, you are much more united than divided.

It is possible that you will begin to experience something reminiscent of falling in love, and if the former experiences something similar, then this feeling will create the illusion of “repeating the past” and cause an irresistible desire to use the “chance given by fate” to reunite again.

Return to reality

And so, your attitude towards each other is determined, you both recognized the gap as a terrible mistake and now you bathe in tenderness for each other, wanting to unite hearts as soon as possible and continue the love that once broke off so suddenly. You are ready to give up everything - your current partners, families and go "breaking bad" just to be together.

In fact, this is the most dangerous moment in restoring this type of relationship, and mistakes will be very expensive, the cost of which will be the ruined fates of your loved ones. And even if you are both free, or both are unhappy in your current relationship, you should not rush. While both of you are in a state of illusion, live in a world of memories and delight, tend to over-idealize your partner, not imagining who and what you are dealing with in reality.

So far, both of you are not in the present for each other. You are each other's past, and the past is always perceived in rainbow colors. Until you move from the past into the present, and the present does not prevail over the past in your communication, there is nothing to even think about changing your life. You still have a lot to do.

When you were young, the life of one of you was known to the other. You gladly shared stories about yourself, about your friends and relatives, about tastes, habits and preferences. There were disputes and disagreements between you, which you learned to resolve. In this way, you recognized your partner and yourself became “transparent” to him.

Now, after many years, it is not only impossible to rely on old information, but it is also dangerous to do so. Much has changed in your tastes and life principles. You have gone through several life stages separately from each other, your personalities have transformed in different ways, and until your partner appears before you as he is - without embellishment, and you do not appear before him in the same form, the risk new error will be very high.

You should once again "live" that part of your life when you were apart and did not know anything about the former, but only "live" it already with him, and he needs to do the same. Both of you must transfer your relationship from the past to the present, when you can communicate without memories, begin to live not the past, but the current life of each other and become “transparent” again. Only from this moment you can start counting the BEGINNING of building new relationships and not a second earlier.

Well, then everything is as usual when building and developing relationships, with the only difference being that you will have to act, perhaps, in more difficult conditions than in your youth. But you can’t rush until you are sure that you are on the right track and all the “checks” for compatibility have been passed, because the cost of a mistake will be disproportionately higher, especially if for the sake of your happiness, you have to make other people unhappy.

It is quite possible that after some time, when the euphoria passes, the truth will open before you, and you will understand “no, this is not my man”, and the “hand of fate” was intended just for you to understand this and not regret the past break . And your great happiness if this epiphany occurs before you have time to make a hasty decision.

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of a private individual, and not the recommendation of a specialist. I try to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions on the topic of the article, do not expect that I will advise in the comments or accompany your situation.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many do), but in this case, be prepared for the fact that I may not answer you. This is not a matter of principle, but exclusively of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified assistance, please contact me for advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica